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Why Being Passive Sucks. Or Not.

 Now that we've got a good understanding of what passivity is and how to identify a passive person, let's explore the possible pros and cons of being a passive person. In the next post on passivity, we'll talk about ways to change passive behavior if you find that it is becoming a problem in your life.

The Benefits

1. Being Held Accountable is a Rarity.

Remember that passive people tend to let others have all the control, so when the shit does hit the fan, the leader is often held to task--not necessarily their passive minion. Because the passive person never spoke up to initiate any moves or finalize any decisions, they are often forgotten about when it comes time to dole out consequences for any problematic happenings. Most people hate being blamed for things, even when it is their fault, so I'd chalk this aspect of passivity up as a plus.


2. Virtually No Pressure to Ever Make Tough Decisions

Because the passive person allows things to happen to and around them without their input or influence, the passive person is often the absolute last person to be consulted when it comes to making tough decisions. Further, they'll have about a 0.01% chance of having to actually make a tough decision themselves on a regular basis. This can be viewed as a positive because people often have a hard time knowing what the "right" thing to do is in situations that are complicated or painful. The passive person will be least likely to be considered to decide whether or not to take a family member off of life support, choose whether or not a company merger should take place with a former competitor, or which play should be made in the last 15 seconds of the championship basketball game.

3. Superficial Peace

At least on the surface, a family with multiple passive people may seem quiet and calm to an outsider and even to the family members themselves. This means that there's no fighting or arguing, screaming matches or family members who decide to run away from home. Because everyone is so passive, everything painful is stuffed and tolerated in silence. There are often other outlets for any discomfort, sadness, or anger that is not being openly expressed. These outlets are sometimes quiet and private, such as masturbation, journaling, or self-mutilation. Other times, these outlets are public, but exercised outside of the home, such as getting drunk at a bar, discreet criminal activity, or infidelity.


4. Low Bar

Since people often forget that the passive person even exists, they usually don't expect a lot from them outside of doing what they're told. The passive person has no hoops to jump through or hurdles to clear because no one is holding them to a high standard as an employee, friend, spouse, child, or student. As long as they are there at the convenience of others, they're given a 'pass', so to speak.

The Drawbacks

1. No Credit

Being in the background on project after project may land the passive person a mention in a credit on a back page of a document somewhere, but that's about the best that is to be hoped for. And that's only if they have a very conscientious and kind group of people who they work with. Often, regardless of how much or how little work the passive person put into something, they are forgotten when it comes time to take credit for making something happen. And, per the profile, this person is not going to speak up and ask to be given publicized credit for the work that they've done.


2. No Say-So

The passive person may have preferences and desires, but because they've grown accustomed to letting everyone around them be in charge, those notions get pushed to the back burner on a consistent basis. Being passive means that they may not have the assertiveness that it takes in order to speak up and voice which movie they'd prefer to see, their salary expectations, what color they want to paint the kitchen, or what their bottom line is for buying a new home.


3. No Honest, Open Depth in Relationships

When people are assertive, it can be a lot easier to learn things about them because they will speak up about their likes and dislikes, what annoys them, what brings them joy, what scares them, and so on. But these things are very often a mystery to others when they're interacting with a passive person. While they may be fine with trusting them to complete certain tasks, they may not feel a very strong connection to the passive person because they can come off much like a void or blank slate. Therefore, the passive person could possibly have many acquaintances that they may call 'friends'. They also may have what others see as "good" relationships with their family members, but it's really just an artificial cohesiveness for the sake of show. Their family could be deeply tense and filled with resentments that just don't manifest themselves in an open and honest way. When people don't directly discuss and address the things that are bothering them, those feelings and thoughts fester inside of them and have the ability to cause emotional, social, mental, and even physical damage. This is where passive-aggressive behavior is born.

4. Squandered Potential

Like most human beings, it's very likely that a passive person has special talents, passions, and skills that are often underutilized because the person doesn't push for these skills to be used. Because the passive person is often forgotten about, rarely publically receives the credit that they're due, and doesn't push for their ideas to be heard, whatever talent they have may stay hidden from their family, friends, and colleagues. For example, this means that their natural talent for singing stays in the shower with them. They don't sing at the karaoke bar with their co-workers, on the cruise with their family, or in the car with their friends, so no one knows they can sing well to be able to encourage them to seek formal training and audition for gigs at bars. They could become a local, national, or even international sensation, if only those closest to them knew what they possessed.


What other benefits and drawbacks to passivity can you come up with? Which have you actually seen in your everyday life?


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http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-learned-helplessness.htm


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Angry Women, Passive Men

Are You A Passive Person?

You've probably heard the term "passive-aggressive" several times throughout your life. Heck, you may even have been called that yourself. But there are people in the world who are merely passive. While people sometimes do call these people 'passive', more common words might be 'bitch', 'shy', 'weak', 'pussy', or 'quiet'. But what does it really mean to be 'passive'? Is it really all that big of a deal? Is there a way to change someone's level of passivity? We'll get to all those questions, but first, let's explore what passivity is and how it may have developed in an individual.

What Does "Passive" Mean?

Merriam-Webster officially defines 'passive' as an adjective "used to describe someone who allows things to happen or who accepts what other people do or decide without trying to change anything."

Passive people tend not to fight for what they want or what they think is right because they usually just let other people call the shots. They have a deep desire to 'keep the peace' and 'not rock the boat', so they often do whatever is asked of them, without question or resistance.

Passive people then to have multiple friends, family members and acquaintances who seem to always come to them when a "favor" is needed. That favor could come in the form of the passive person loaning money, offering a place to stay, giving rides to work or school, or even dating someone. Because the passive person doesn't want to incite conflict by telling anyone "no" or saying that they're uncomfortable, others come to rely on the passive person for the things that they want because they've grown confident that the passive person will never deny them.

If you think you may be a consistently passive person, you may notice that you have a lot of quiet resentments towards people who are the opposite of you behaviorally. The boss that barks orders, the boyfriend that dictates your life, the mother that won't butt out of your business. You may have relatively strong, unpleasant emotions towards these people, but (again, because you don't want to cause any 'trouble') you hold your feelings in and put their wants before your needs.

Other examples of passive behavior include:

Agreeing to go to lunch with co-workers, but not speaking up when they all want to go to the one restaurant in town that you can't stand.

Taking an unmarked package from a casual acquaintance just because they ask you to "hold onto it" for a few days. No questions asked.

Agreeing to go clothes shopping with your mother (who has a history of taking HOURS to find even a single outfit that she finds acceptable), even though you really want get your spring cleaning done.

Cleaning up piles of shit from your neighbor's dog and not addressing the issue with your neighbor.

Not volunteering to take on a project at work that involves a hobby of yours. For instance, if you love to write, you don't speak up when your manager asked if someone would be willing to put together some copy for a new ad for the company.

Where Does It Come From?

Passivity is often a habitual behavior that has formed throughout someone's life in order to help them survive. Someone who is noticeably passive may have grown up in an abusive household where talking back to parents, making decisions for themselves, and being noisy were grounds for further verbal or physical mistreatment.

Other times, a family was so filled with dysfunction and chaos that the only way to stay out of the line of fire was to do whatever was directly asked of them and keep quiet. This may have been how relative peace was kept in that household. Being passive starts to become equal to feeling safe and avoiding tension.

Though these may be two major manners in which someone can grow into being a passive person, everyone's story is unique.

Based on what you've read so far, are you passive? Do you know someone who is?

Read More About This Topic:

Fighting Shy
Indiana University | Lauren J. Bryant
http://www.indiana.edu/~rcapub/v25n2/carducci.shtml

Passive-Aggressive Behavior
NYU Langone Medical Center | Diane A. Safer, PhD
http://www.med.nyu.edu/content?ChunkIID=96685

Social Worker Fired for Reporting Child Abuse