The 'A' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Archetype'. This just means that we tend to behave like we want our child to behave. WE become the archetype / example / model for how a mature person behaves. Remember that humans, like most other animals, are social creatures who learn by observing what their parental figures do. If we yell whenever we get angry, they're likely to do the same because they've picked up on the idea that this is what a healthy individual does to cope with anger and similar emotions. If we overeat, they are likely to overeat as well. If we get pregnant as a teenager, have multiple sex partners, or have romantic relationships with people who verbally or physically abuse us, our children are likely (though not guaranteed) to see these kinds of relationships (with food, drugs, people, etc.) as normal. Here are some area where parents frequently forget to manage their behaviors, meaning that their children and teenagers often to the same.
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Be Respectful
We say we want respect from our children, but we show them that it's perfectly fine to disrespect people. We belittle other authority figures in our children's lives (such as coaches, grandparents, teachers, police, etc.). We say a teacher doesn't know what they're doing, a coach is lazy, our parents are nosy or annoying, or that the police are corrupt. And we do all these sorts of things without necessarily having taken out the time to speak to these people about whatever issue we have with their behavior or performance, and we often don't know these people well enough to adequately assess whether or not the things we think or assume about them are really true. Are you showing your child how to be respectful on a daily basis?
Be KindWe say we want our children to be mindful of other people's feelings and not bully or belittle others, but we often aren't kind to others ourselves. We play pranks on awkward co-workers and laugh about it. We yell at and bully our own children when they don't behave how we want them to. We even ostracize and criticize people who are of different races, sexes, nationalities, sexual orientations, political affiliations, religions, and socioeconomic backgrounds. Ask yourself if you're really SHOWING your child how to be kind to others.
Be Obedient
We say we want our children to do as they're told, but we resist orders from our supervisors and authority figures in our own lives. We ignore the fact that our bosses have asked us to stay at work for a full day, only take a lunch break for a certain amount of time, or perform our job in a certain manner. We fail to follow rules that are given to us, such as taking prescribed medication at all or as recommended. We might even break laws and ordinances just because we don't like them, such as smoking marijuana (if that's illegal in your area), breaking traffic lights, or parking in unauthorized areas. Think about how you may be showing your child that it's okay to be disobedient.
Don't Do Drugs
This is a BIG one! We may tell our children over and over not to smoke cigarettes or drink beer, but then we do these things ourselves---sometimes to excess. If you threaten your child with a punishment if they're ever caught smoking, yet you smoke on a daily basis, you're contradicting yourself and the child is more likely to try a cigarette. If you treat drinking alcohol as though it is something that only mature, adult people do, your child is likely to view alcohol as a way to catapult them into adulthood (which is what many adolescents and teens are pining for anyhow) instead of them actually viewing it in a neutral manner. Something that they can wait to try when they're 21 and use moderately instead of getting drunk or buzzed (as they may regularly hear about you doing, or even see you doing). What kind of drug use does your child see from you or your other family members?
The example from the last post covered this idea, as well as the concept of being explicit. Flynn realized that hitting Dora was just showing her that it's appropriate to hit people when they do things that you don't like. Here's another scenario specifically for the 'Archetype' portion of E.A.R.S.
Orion and his mother, Lola, are sitting outside the principal's office at Orion's middle school. He's been saying some nasty things to his teachers and classmates and he's at risk of being expelled.
Orion thinks the whole thing is being blown out of proportion since everybody in his family talks like that--from his mother to his great uncle.
Lola is frustrated that she has to come to school for this. She is having a hard time understanding what the big deal is, yet she's still disappointed that her child is getting into this kind of trouble at school. She's afraid he'll have to try to transfer and that there will be a lot of work involved in attempting such a move in the middle of the school year.
The principal invites them into her office and closes the door.
PRINCIPAL: So, Mrs. Betman, as I discussed with you over the phone, your son has been saying some extremely disrespectful things to his instructors and other students. We don't tolerate that sort of behavior here. I'd like to discuss with the two of you some behavior management and parenting skills options that might help with this issue. *pulls a brochure from one of her desk drawers* This first place is called--
LOLA: Wait a minute! Are you saying I'm a bad parent?!
PRINCIPAL: Well...I'm not saying that, Mrs. Betman. I just...sometimes, as parents, we struggle to--
LOLA: *stands up* I don't struggle to do shit! That's the problem around here: You don't want to supervise your staff, and they don't want to supervise these kids. They're with you all fuckin' day. You would think you would learn how to manage kids, if this is your damn profession. I won't let you blame me for this.
PRINCIPAL: *holds up hands and scoots chair back* Mrs. Betman, I'm not blaming anyone, but I don't appreciate your language. Could you please sit down and--
LOLA: You can't tell me what to do! I'm grown! *gathers her purse and coat* Get the fuck up Orion. Let's go, I don't have to listen to the bullshit! FUCK this school!!
*she storms out with Orion in tow*
Lola and her family are argumentative and aggressive in the way that they interact with one another. They aren't necessarily violent, but they don't speak to one another in the most respectful or appropriate ways. Because humans are wired to mimic what they see and learn from what they experience in order to accumulate survival skills, Orion is merely copying what it takes to "survive" at home and applying it at school.
Think about how you want your children to act, what kinds of things do you ask of them, and try to exhibit those skills and believes in your everyday life so that they have something positive and healthy to copy.
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