10 Words That Are Ruining Your Relationships

 

 #CommMSSW

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Most people are very cautious about excessive use of profanity and the discussion of taboo topics when they speak to others. However, much of the tension we see in our relationships, or even the origins of arguments, can be traced back to HOW we said what we said. The words we use can often cause people’s sense of independence and control to be threatened. They tend to truly be angered, saddened, or confused by our wording, not our message. However, our wording can get them so riled up, they don’t even hear the (possibly) caring, loving message that we’re trying to deliver. Here are 10 words that could be at the root of why a friendship, romantic partnership, business enterprise, or close family tie was damaged or broken.

10. Won’t

 

Examples: “That won’t work.” “You won’t say that to her.” “You won’t treat me this way again.”

If you aren’t psychic, there is a definite chance that you are wrong about what won’t happen in the future. This includes what someone won’t do, say, or experience. Using ‘won’t’ can lead to people thinking you are belittling their abilities or future prospects instead of being supportive of their goals and desires.

Try these alternate wordings: “I’m afraid that might not work.” “She could get upset if you say that to her.” “I’m ending this relationship because of your infidelity.”  

 

 

 

9. Can’t

 

Examples: “You can’t do that!” “If you can’t do it, I will.” “You can’t be so loud.”

This is like ‘won’t’ on steroids. Telling someone that they can’t do something or that something can’t happen gives the impression that you have completely sized them up as a human being and you have officially deemed them completely incapable of something. This can lead people to feeling inadequate and unworthy. Over time, this can lead to low self-esteem and even passive-aggressive or rebellious behavior. Think about how many times teenagers are told that they “can’t” do something (by cops, teachers, parents, supervisors, etc.). Telling them that they can’t do something just leads them to want to do it more in order to assert their autonomy and individuality. This phenomenon can happen with people of just about any age who are able to speak relatively fluent English.

Try these alternate wordings: “I believe that goes against our agreement.” “If you’re having trouble getting it fixed, I’m willing to help.” “I’m concerned that your volume is disturbing the other passengers.”  

 

 

8. Must (Have To)

 

Examples: “You must see where I’m coming from!” “You have to stop coming home so late.” “You have to go to work.”

When you say someone ‘must’ or ‘has to’ do something, you’re putting yourself in charge of them and their decision making. These words have the added negative characteristic of still squashing the other person’s freedom of choice. No one has to do anything they don’t want to. When you tell someone what they “have to” or “must” do, you disrespect their creativity and flexibility.

Try these alternate wordings: “I hope you can see where I’m coming from on this.” “I would appreciate it if you came home earlier.” “You might be late for work if you don’t leave soon.”  

 

7. Will

 

Examples: "Oh, yes you will!" "It will end in failure." "She will leave you."

Using this word means you are predicting the future. Again, unless you're are certifiably psychic, you'll probably just end up pissing people off when you use this word to speak to them in certain contexts. Try to withstand telling someone what will happen without an understanding that you’re voicing your opinion or concern. Feel free to be open and honest about what YOU plan on doing in the future.

Try these alternate wordings: "You can choose to leave, but I will dock your pay if you do so." "I'm having a hard time seeing how you could be successful at that." "I’m scared she might leave you if you do that."

 

 

6. Don’t

 

Examples: "Don't say that." "Don't tell him that." "Don't talk to me."

Telling someone not to do something is about as bad as telling them that they can't do something. Using 'don't' in this manner can give the impression that you think you are of a higher status than the other person (i.e., smarter, more powerful, etc.), which can lead to people trying to defend themselves in an argumentative way, or just resenting you in silence.

Try these alternate wordings: "I feel sad when you say that to me." "I'm concerned that, if you tell him, he'll want to leave the company." "I'm not in the mood to talk about this right now. Can we wait until after I’ve had a nap?"

 

 

5. Always

 

Examples: "You always say that!" "She always does this." "You'll always be alone."

Unless you can somehow guarantee that something always has or always will happen, it's helpful to steer clear of this word in most contexts. All it takes is for someone to remember that one time that they did something you asked, and “You always ignore what I want!” becomes a lie. And even if the evidence is clear that someone always does something, when confronting them about it, using 'always' can come off as oppressive and extreme. If the point is to have discussion to resolve an issue, not to start an argument, then keeping ‘always’ out of the mix can be helpful.

Try these alternate wordings: "I've heard you say that many times before." "She seems to have a habit of being late." "I haven't ever seen you date anyone and, if you aren't going to go to clubs or use dating sites, I'm not sure how you will ever have a romantic relationship."  

 

4. Never

 

Examples: "You never want to go anywhere." "He's never been romantic." "You never drink alcohol."

While there may be things in life that you personally have never done, it can come off as presumptuous when you tell someone else that they've never done something. Have you been stalking their every move, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, over the entire course of their lives? Probably not. Therefore, 'never' is most likely too strong a word in most cases.

Try these alternate wordings: "I can't remember the last time you agreed to go out with me." "I haven't seen him do anything romantic before." "I had no idea you drank alcohol."

 

 

3. Know

 

Examples: "I know how you feel." "I know what you're thinking." "I know something bad is going to happen."

You may pride yourself on being a 'know-it-all', but this may just annoy and frustrate others. We often use the word 'know' when we really just have suspicions or opinions about something.

Try these alternate wordings: "I can understand how you might feel that way." "It sounds like you think he's cheating on you. Am I right?" "I'm afraid something bad might happen."

 

 

2. Should

 

Examples: "You should be at home with your kids." "You should leave him." "You should go to the gym more often."

When we're trying to encourage someone to change their behavior or listen to us, telling them what they 'should' be doing is the first step to distancing ourselves from them. Dictators and bosses from Hell use 'should' on a pretty regular basis. If you don't want to be seen as that sort of figure in someone's life and you really want to influence them in a positive way, it can be helpful to lay off using this word.

Try these alternate wordings: "I feel concerned that you're not at home with your children." "Have you considered ending the relationship?" "I try to stay healthy by visiting the gym at least 3 times each week. Is that something you think you could do, too?"

 

1. Need

 

Examples: "You need to stop." "He needs therapy." "This is what I need you to do..."

As small as this word is, it can have a big impact of how you sound to others. 'Need' is a word that is tied up in feelings of desperation, like life and death. In reality, no one needs to do anything. If you're okay with dying, you don't need to breathe oxygen. If you have no problem with getting arrested, you don't need to obey the law. In any given situation, people have choices. Telling them what they 'need' to do sends the message that you know better than them what's good for them and you are extraordinarily certain that what you command is going have positive results for them.

Try these alternate wordings: "It might be helpful if you stop drinking alcohol." "He might benefit from some one-on-one counseling." "I'd appreciate it if you would..."

 

You may find that you have more influence over other people when you respect their freedom of choice and talk to them as though they are your equal, not your subordinate (even if they technically are). When you treat people with this kind of verbal respect, you tend to get the same from them and you also tend to have fewer tense moments and arguments in your relationship with that person. This can lead to more loving partners, more obedient children, and more motivated employees.  

 

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