Critical Parenting Skill #3: Responding

The 'R' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Responses'. As parents, we often get caught up in our momentary frustration with whatever our child has done that has angered, saddened, hurt, or disappointed us and we simply emotionally react, instead of thoughtfully responding. When we behave in a reactionary way, we tend to become dictators who command our children be grounded, spanked, embarrassed, or hurt just to make us feel better. However, this kind of reaction often doesn't help the child learn a solid lesson about the behavior. They simply learn not to do it around their parents, or while they're living with their parents, because there will be a disproportionate backlash or shocking punishment.

This is often why some of us are shocked to find out that our child, who is so well behaved in our presence, got into a fight at school, started using tobacco or alcohol, or become / got someone pregnant.

 

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Responding to behavior in an effective way comes in two parts: Expressing our own feelings and enforcing the consequences we've discussed in the 'E' (be explicit) part of E.A.R.S.

Let Your Child Know How You Feel


Responding to your child's behavior starts with recognizing the feelings that you have about it, and going on to relay those feelings to your child. Let them know that you're proud, excited, or happy about something they've accomplished. Tell them when you feel anxious, disappointed, or baffled by something that they do.

Here are some quick examples:

When your daughter gets expelled for smoking in the bathroom at school:

"I feel so disappointed and angry that you were smoking." as opposed to "What the hell is wrong with you?!"



When your son hits a game-winning shot during a basketball match-up with his high school's arch rival:

"I feel so proud and excited about you making that shot!" as opposed to silence or just "Good game, son."



When your son fails a class:

 "I feel so shocked and confused about you failing your English class." as opposed to "You can't be that dumb."



When your daughter gets a mathematics scholarship to a prestigious university:

"I'm overwhelmed with joy and pride about this scholarship you earned!" as opposed to silence or "Nice."

Enforce the Consequences Previously Discussed

This is difficult for a lot of us. We may not have a hard time with coming up with appropriate consequences for our child's behavior, but we have a hard time enforcing those consequences when the time comes.

Let's say your child wants to spend the day at an amusement park in the next state with some of her friends in 2 weeks. She says she'll be on her best behavior and she'll even pay for the trip herself. She'll give her friends' parents gas money, pay for her own ticket, and save up her own money to buy snacks and souvenirs. She calculates that she'll need about $120. Having no idea where she would possibly get that much money over the next  2 weeks (especially since you only give her $10 a week for allowance), you and your daughter agree that, if she saves up the money, she can go.

On the day in question, you're surprised to find your daughter up before you, eating breakfast.

"Well, you sure are up early on a Saturday." You comment.

"Today's the day we leave for Awesome Land, remember?" She smiles and continues eating a bowl of cereal she's poured for herself.

"Wait a minute. I thought you needed $120 to go? Wasn't that what we agree to?"

"Right. I've got $150. I've washed cars, babysat, tutored after school, mowed lawns, and even sold candy at school." She pulls the money out of her purse and counts it out in front of you.

 

As a parent, we always have the option to go back on our word, just like any other human being. However, what makes it so important that we keep our commitments and behave responsibly is that our children are taking in our every move. If we were to tell her she can't go on the trip, even though she kept up her end of the bargain, we reinforce several potentially harmful ideas:

1. We, as parents, cannot be trusted. This idea is extremely problematic when it's time to talk to our children about potentially live-threatening issues having to do with health and safety, such as sex and drug use.

2. Because we don't keep our commitments, it must be appropriate for our children to do the same. In this case, we would be role-modeling the very behaviors that we want our child to avoid: being dishonest and irresponsible.

3. Regardless of whether or not our children do as is agreed, they will arbitrarily have their rewards impeded or taken away by the adults or authority figures in their lives.  By not allowing her to go on the trip, we teach her that it doesn't matter whether she does what we ask her to or not--we're still going to make decisions selfishly, based on what makes us feel better. What motivation is their for our children to listen to and obey us if the end result isn't going to be any better?

4. Hard work and determination are meaningless. Even when her situation seemed impossible, our child showcased initiative, motivation, and resourcefulness that many adults don't even have. Why would we punish her for this?

However, if we keep your word, we exemplify (become the archetypes for) the antithesis to these ideas. By letting her go, we implicitly show that we can be trusted, it's not okay to break promises, that people who keep commitments aren't punished, and that hard work does have a positive impact on one's life.

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