Critical Parenting Skill #4: Stability

The 'S' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'stability'. This just means that we make sure that we use E. A. and R. on a consistent basis.

I say 'consistent' basis because I want you, and your child, to be open to, and accept, the fact that even parents are human. Pressuring ourselves or our children to be our (or worse--someone else's) definition of perfect tends to create a lot of undue tension in a relationship. We have lapses. We make mistakes and misjudgments occasionally, and that's okay. It's just part of being our wonderfully imperfect selves.

#KidMSSW

Join the conversation on Twitter!

Explicit

 

When navigating your relationship with your child, try to be consistently explicit. Help other people understand what you're looking for in the romantic, parental, platonic, or professional relationship you may be in with them.


Archetype

Being an archetype for behaviors that you see as healthy and appropriate is a huge help in showing your children what you want from them. If you expect them to show up to appointments and events on time, it helps if you are regularly on time or early. If you expect someone else to allow you to speak your piece without interrupting, it's helpful to show them the same respect.


Responses

Responding instead of reacting can help you gain more influence and respect in various relationships in your lives because you behave in a manner that doesn't seem like you are merely lashing out or retaliating against someone because you are trying to cope with unpleasant, intense emotions of your own. When you calmly respond, you appear less aggressive and it is a lot easier for people to listen deeply to what it is you have to say. It also makes your children much less likely to try to resist negative consequences being enforced by you.

 

Stability

If you do decide to use E.A.R.S. to change the dynamic in your relationship with your child, please remember to be patient with yourself and your child. Depending upon their age, you may have helped initiate a relationship that is filled with tension, violence, and passive-aggressive behavior over the course of many years, or even decades. Knowing that it took so long to create this dynamic, it's unrealistic to expect these new behaviors to begin having a positive impact over night (though it can sometimes seem like they do, for a lucky few!).

The key to E.A.R.S. is belief. You have to believe that you really deserve to have a relationship with your child that doesn't involve you behaving in violent, passive-aggressive, or oppressive ways towards them. You have to believe that you have the willpower and the patience to behave the way that you want them to, so that you can show them how to be a responsible, well-rounded, loving, and mature adult. You have to believe that they, as your offspring, are capable of meeting your expectations (granted they're realistic, based on age and mental capacity). Give it at least six months of consistently using these concepts before throwing in the towel. Understand that there will probably be frustration and rebellion in the beginning due to there being this massive shift in the relationship. However, once you get "over the hump", so to speak, things often run much more smoothly from that point forward.

I eagerly await your feedback regarding using E.A.R.S. to handle disobedient children.

Thanks for reading!

Like.     |     Follow.     |     Connect.

Critical Parenting Skill #3: Responding

The 'R' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Responses'. As parents, we often get caught up in our momentary frustration with whatever our child has done that has angered, saddened, hurt, or disappointed us and we simply emotionally react, instead of thoughtfully responding. When we behave in a reactionary way, we tend to become dictators who command our children be grounded, spanked, embarrassed, or hurt just to make us feel better. However, this kind of reaction often doesn't help the child learn a solid lesson about the behavior. They simply learn not to do it around their parents, or while they're living with their parents, because there will be a disproportionate backlash or shocking punishment.

This is often why some of us are shocked to find out that our child, who is so well behaved in our presence, got into a fight at school, started using tobacco or alcohol, or become / got someone pregnant.

 

#KidMSSW

Join the conversation on Twitter!

Responding to behavior in an effective way comes in two parts: Expressing our own feelings and enforcing the consequences we've discussed in the 'E' (be explicit) part of E.A.R.S.

Let Your Child Know How You Feel


Responding to your child's behavior starts with recognizing the feelings that you have about it, and going on to relay those feelings to your child. Let them know that you're proud, excited, or happy about something they've accomplished. Tell them when you feel anxious, disappointed, or baffled by something that they do.

Here are some quick examples:

When your daughter gets expelled for smoking in the bathroom at school:

"I feel so disappointed and angry that you were smoking." as opposed to "What the hell is wrong with you?!"



When your son hits a game-winning shot during a basketball match-up with his high school's arch rival:

"I feel so proud and excited about you making that shot!" as opposed to silence or just "Good game, son."



When your son fails a class:

 "I feel so shocked and confused about you failing your English class." as opposed to "You can't be that dumb."



When your daughter gets a mathematics scholarship to a prestigious university:

"I'm overwhelmed with joy and pride about this scholarship you earned!" as opposed to silence or "Nice."

Enforce the Consequences Previously Discussed

This is difficult for a lot of us. We may not have a hard time with coming up with appropriate consequences for our child's behavior, but we have a hard time enforcing those consequences when the time comes.

Let's say your child wants to spend the day at an amusement park in the next state with some of her friends in 2 weeks. She says she'll be on her best behavior and she'll even pay for the trip herself. She'll give her friends' parents gas money, pay for her own ticket, and save up her own money to buy snacks and souvenirs. She calculates that she'll need about $120. Having no idea where she would possibly get that much money over the next  2 weeks (especially since you only give her $10 a week for allowance), you and your daughter agree that, if she saves up the money, she can go.

On the day in question, you're surprised to find your daughter up before you, eating breakfast.

"Well, you sure are up early on a Saturday." You comment.

"Today's the day we leave for Awesome Land, remember?" She smiles and continues eating a bowl of cereal she's poured for herself.

"Wait a minute. I thought you needed $120 to go? Wasn't that what we agree to?"

"Right. I've got $150. I've washed cars, babysat, tutored after school, mowed lawns, and even sold candy at school." She pulls the money out of her purse and counts it out in front of you.

 

As a parent, we always have the option to go back on our word, just like any other human being. However, what makes it so important that we keep our commitments and behave responsibly is that our children are taking in our every move. If we were to tell her she can't go on the trip, even though she kept up her end of the bargain, we reinforce several potentially harmful ideas:

1. We, as parents, cannot be trusted. This idea is extremely problematic when it's time to talk to our children about potentially live-threatening issues having to do with health and safety, such as sex and drug use.

2. Because we don't keep our commitments, it must be appropriate for our children to do the same. In this case, we would be role-modeling the very behaviors that we want our child to avoid: being dishonest and irresponsible.

3. Regardless of whether or not our children do as is agreed, they will arbitrarily have their rewards impeded or taken away by the adults or authority figures in their lives.  By not allowing her to go on the trip, we teach her that it doesn't matter whether she does what we ask her to or not--we're still going to make decisions selfishly, based on what makes us feel better. What motivation is their for our children to listen to and obey us if the end result isn't going to be any better?

4. Hard work and determination are meaningless. Even when her situation seemed impossible, our child showcased initiative, motivation, and resourcefulness that many adults don't even have. Why would we punish her for this?

However, if we keep your word, we exemplify (become the archetypes for) the antithesis to these ideas. By letting her go, we implicitly show that we can be trusted, it's not okay to break promises, that people who keep commitments aren't punished, and that hard work does have a positive impact on one's life.

Like.     |     Follow.     |     Connect.

Parents! Use Your E.A.R.S.: Be Explicit

The 'E' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Explicit'. Being explicit with our child about what our expectations are is basic for having a smooth and effective disciplinary relationship with them. Many of us merely assume that our children know what we want from them, even though we've never taken the time to talk to them about it.

#KidMSSW

Join the conversation on Twitter!

One of the things that adults often forget about childhood is how confusing it can be. After all, life in general is new and there are new people, situations, locations, activities, and other information and stimuli hitting our children on a daily basis. Trying to figure out who to trust, when to act a certain way, who to listen to, and what their own feelings and beliefs are about various issues in the world can be an overwhelming task. Make it easier for them by focusing on being very clear and specific about what you want.

The example of Dora and Flynn, a single-father and daughter, is at the end of this post to illustrate what a shift to being more explicit about your expectations might look like, even for a five-year-old.

This list outlines several examples of areas where parents might fail to clearly state their expectations of their children's behavior.

 

Bed time / Curfew

Dating

Alcohol Use

Sleepovers

Playing Outside

Grades

Sex

Profanity

Violence (pinching, slapping, punching, poking, kicking, etc.)

Diet

Drug Use

Exercise

Pet Ownership

Apparel

Hygiene

Meal Times

Shopping

Money Management (Allowance)

Cleanliness

 

 

Dora, Flynn, and Violence

Dora, a first-grader, gets hit by her father, Flynn whenever she does something he doesn't like. When she gets fails a spelling test, she gets hit. When she uses profanity, she gets hit. When she leaves her bike in the front yard instead of storing it in the garage, she gets hit.

One day at school, a little boy that sits behind Dora proceeds to poke her incessantly. Dora doesn't like this. She hits the boy.

When Flynn gets the call about the incident, he might feel shocked and frustrated. Thoughts such as Where did she get THAT from?! or I know she knows better than to hit other people! might cross his mind. However, he has never actually talked to Dora and verbalized his expectations of her when she's at home or when she's at school.

As things stand, Flynn is likely to spank Dora when she gets home because of her behavior. If this is the first time Dora has ever hit someone at school, she'll probably be surprised to find out that hitting someone was worth getting a spanking since her dad hits her when he's upset about something she did. Again, note how confusing the social world in general, and our close relationships in specific, can be to navigate and comprehend.

However, if Flynn wanted to begin to inject some clarity into the relationship in order to change the dynamic between him and his daughter, he could start with this incident. When they are at home together at the end of the school day, he would sit down and talk to her about her behavior. The conversation might go something like this:

FLYNN: So, your teacher called and told me about what happened at school today. You got a red mark for hitting someone, right?

DORA: Yeah.

FLYNN: Dora, I feel disappointed and frustrated when you hit people at school. Violence isn't the answer to solving problems, especially with other people. When you go to school, I expect you to keep your hands to yourself.

DORA: But you hit me.

FLYNN: *sigh* I do. Well, I have in the past. How do you feel when I hit you?

DORA: I don't like it! I feel bad! I don't like you when you hit!

FLYNN: I can understand that. I've never liked it when people have put their hands on me either. Sometimes we end up doing the things we see other people do, even though we don't like it. I'm sorry for hitting you all those times before. From now on, I'm going to try not to hit you any more, okay? Can you forgive me?

DORA: Yeah. I forgive you, Daddy.

They hug.

FLYNN: Now, you know how bad you feel when I hit you? Imagine how bad that poor boy must have felt when you hit him. Do you want to make people feel that way?

DORA: But he was poking me!

FLYNN: Okay, Sweetie. I understand that sometimes people do things that are really annoying. What I expect of you is to ask them to stop, first. Tell them you're annoyed or disgusted or however it is that you feel and that you want them to quit doing things that lead you to feel that way. Then, if they don't stop, you tell a teacher. Now answer my question, please. Do you want him to feel bad and not like you because you hit him?

DORA: *sighs* Noooo. But what if he won't stop, even after the teacher says to, then can I hit him?

FLYNN: *smiles* Honey, that's my point. You can choose to do whatever you want. However, part of being a big girl is knowing that the choices that you make are going to have consequences. At our house, if you get a red for your behavior at school, you're going to come home and do extra chores that day without any books to read, TV to watch, games to play, or being able to play outside with the neighbor's dog. If you get a green for the day, you can still do everything you normally do. If you get all greens for a week, I'll take you out for a fun day on Saturday or Sunday. We'll go eat wherever you like for dinner or do whatever other activities you want that we can afford.

DORA: *eyes widen* Really?!

FLYNN: Only if you behave well, like I've asked you to. No hitting. No behaving in any other bad way at school. Grown ups like me keep their commitments whenever they can. I want you to do the same. Deal? *sticks out his hand*

DORA: DEAL! *shakes Flynn's hand and hugs him again*



Have you found it helpful to be clear about your behavioral expectations with your children? Leave a comment below or on Twitter!

Like     |     Follow     |     Connect