Your Kids Don't Listen Because They Don't Have E.A.R.S.

 

I want to take a few posts to focus on a problem common to parents: Their children will not listen to them. 

When we tell them to do something, they do the exact opposite. When we tell them to complete a chore, we're ignored. When we scream at them, they tune us out.

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There are 4 simple things that are often missing from the parent-child relationship that can lead to this sort of defiant behavior. Before you go out and spend hundreds of dollars on therapy, a DVD set, webinar, or some other parenting program, give these a try for a few months and see how things go. And please don't rule out using these tips because your child is nearing, or in, adulthood, or doesn't live with you any more. You can still use these skills and ideas to create a more relaxed, enjoyable, and influential relationship with your child.

"EARS" is the acronym I've chosen for these characteristics, just to help you remember them on a day-to-day basis. I'll go over each one in depth, complete with example scenarios, in the following posts. For now, here is what each letter stands for:

E - Explicitness: Let's be clear with our children about exactly what kinds of behaviors we expect from them. Let's stop assuming that they magically know how to behave and can read our minds.  

A - Archetypes: It helps if we role-model the kinds of behaviors we want from our children. They mimic us because that's how most animals in the world learn how to survive. "Do as I say, not as I do" usually doesn't get us very far when it comes to raising kids.

R - Responses: When we give our children feedback and enforce positive AND negative consequences for behaviors, we set up guidelines for children to follow regarding how we expect them to behave. 

S - Stability: Follow through with offering responses on a consistent basis. Lots of us tend to do E, A, and R at various sporadic points in our parenthood, but doing all of these things consistently can be key to showing our children how to be responsible and (self-)disciplined.  

Now that you have a general idea of what may help in parent-child relationships, stay tuned for more on how to execute each relationship skill.

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Read more about this topic!

5 Ways to Get Your Child to Listen
Leslie Garisto
http://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/strategies/5-ways-to-get-your-child-to-listen/


My Child's Behavior is So Bad! Where Do I Begin?: How to Coach Your Child Forward
Carole Banks, MSW
http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Childs-Behavior-Is-So-Bad.php


Bad Influences? Advice for Parents Who Think Their Kid's Friends are Weird, Dirty, or Troublemakers
Corrie Pikul @Corrie_Pikul
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/30/childs-friend-bad-influence_n_978456.html