Great Secrets to Better Listening: Repeat What You Heard

After letting the other person have their say, a relatively simple component of effective listening involves repeating back to someone what you understood out of what they said. This is great for more technical tasks like how to put our child's crib together while speaking with a customer service rep over the phone, but it's also helpful in relationships because it shows the person talking to us that we've at least made an attempt to hear what they have to say.

#CommMSSW

Join the communication skills conversation on Twitter!

Please steer clear of sarcastically mimicking the person. Repeating what someone says is just a way to make sure the lines of communication are operating properly. If there is a misunderstanding, because you told the person your understanding of what they said, they have an opportunity to correct your impression by re-wording themselves or giving your more information.

Here are some examples from snippets of conversations that involve this skill:

Lalonda: "I hate it when you call me 'Lala' it's so...weird."
Corey: "So you don't like it when I call you Lala?"
Lalonda: "No!"
Corey: "Okay. I'll try to work on not calling you that any more. Thanks for telling me. I apologize if I hurt or offended you."

Nero: "Can you get some stuff for me at the store, too? I just need Wet Wipes, string cheese, and a lighter."
Pan: "You want Wet Wipes, string cheese, and a lighter?"
Nero: "Right. Thanks." 
Pan: "No problem. I'm on it."

Waylon: "I hate that I have to force you to go to games. It feels like work. It's no fun."
Sherry: "Are you saying you don't want me to go to games with you?"
Waylon: "No! I...I enjoy basketball generally and I want to share that time with you, but I always have to ask you to go and remind you to put on a Cardinals shirt and it's like...*sigh* I dunno..."
Sherry: "It sounds like you would rather I were more enthusiastic about going."
Waylon: "Well...actually...yeah. That's it. It's like you don't want to go and I want you to like it and want to go."

Great Secrets to Better Listening: Be All Ears

It may seem pretty straightforward, but many people have a hard time with the foundation of listening: Actually remaining silent and letting the other person say what they have to say. When we interrupt, roll our eyes, make faces and noises, or feign listening with excessive 'yeah's 'uh-huh's and 'okay's, we just show the other person disrespect, which often leads to further tension and possibly even verbal or physical altercations.

#CommMSSW

Join the communication skills conversation on Twitter!

So, the next time a friend, family member, co-worker is trying to confront us about our behavior, it's probably helpful if we give them a chance to actually get their feelings off of their chest. Sometimes people aren't all that upset with us over a single thing that we did, but because of a multitude of little things that irked that person, and they may have been holding in their feelings for a while.

It's understandable that people sometimes make assumptions about what we did or said, but that doesn't mean we can't let them get their thoughts out in the open. Once the  person is finished speaking, we can review what they've said and give them information to dispute their assumptions. If you assume that I brought a six-pack of beer to your Super Bowl party because I want to ruin your 9 months of sobriety, I can let you tell me what you think and how you feel about that. Then I can gently remind you that we've been drinking together since we were teenagers and, now that we're in our thirties, though I am supportive of your recovery from alcoholism, I simply acted out of habit and completely forgot about your condition. I can apologize, ask for forgiveness, and then (hopefully) enjoy an alcohol-free party at your house.

It's often very difficult for us to sit back and listen to someone say things that we know to be untrue. In this instance, it can be helpful to embrace the idea that this person lacks knowledge (or maybe even a connection with reality) that allows them to speak honestly about the topic at hand. Therefore, view them more as someone who might benefit from that information, not necessarily someone who is vehemently trying to tell lies. Again, when they are done speaking, talk to them about what you know to be fact and what you know to be fiction.

Simply sit back and listen and see if that doesn't help ease tension in your relationship with others.

Like.     Follow.     Connect.