Parents! Use Your E.A.R.S.: Be Explicit

The 'E' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Explicit'. Being explicit with our child about what our expectations are is basic for having a smooth and effective disciplinary relationship with them. Many of us merely assume that our children know what we want from them, even though we've never taken the time to talk to them about it.

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One of the things that adults often forget about childhood is how confusing it can be. After all, life in general is new and there are new people, situations, locations, activities, and other information and stimuli hitting our children on a daily basis. Trying to figure out who to trust, when to act a certain way, who to listen to, and what their own feelings and beliefs are about various issues in the world can be an overwhelming task. Make it easier for them by focusing on being very clear and specific about what you want.

The example of Dora and Flynn, a single-father and daughter, is at the end of this post to illustrate what a shift to being more explicit about your expectations might look like, even for a five-year-old.

This list outlines several examples of areas where parents might fail to clearly state their expectations of their children's behavior.

 

Bed time / Curfew

Dating

Alcohol Use

Sleepovers

Playing Outside

Grades

Sex

Profanity

Violence (pinching, slapping, punching, poking, kicking, etc.)

Diet

Drug Use

Exercise

Pet Ownership

Apparel

Hygiene

Meal Times

Shopping

Money Management (Allowance)

Cleanliness

 

 

Dora, Flynn, and Violence

Dora, a first-grader, gets hit by her father, Flynn whenever she does something he doesn't like. When she gets fails a spelling test, she gets hit. When she uses profanity, she gets hit. When she leaves her bike in the front yard instead of storing it in the garage, she gets hit.

One day at school, a little boy that sits behind Dora proceeds to poke her incessantly. Dora doesn't like this. She hits the boy.

When Flynn gets the call about the incident, he might feel shocked and frustrated. Thoughts such as Where did she get THAT from?! or I know she knows better than to hit other people! might cross his mind. However, he has never actually talked to Dora and verbalized his expectations of her when she's at home or when she's at school.

As things stand, Flynn is likely to spank Dora when she gets home because of her behavior. If this is the first time Dora has ever hit someone at school, she'll probably be surprised to find out that hitting someone was worth getting a spanking since her dad hits her when he's upset about something she did. Again, note how confusing the social world in general, and our close relationships in specific, can be to navigate and comprehend.

However, if Flynn wanted to begin to inject some clarity into the relationship in order to change the dynamic between him and his daughter, he could start with this incident. When they are at home together at the end of the school day, he would sit down and talk to her about her behavior. The conversation might go something like this:

FLYNN: So, your teacher called and told me about what happened at school today. You got a red mark for hitting someone, right?

DORA: Yeah.

FLYNN: Dora, I feel disappointed and frustrated when you hit people at school. Violence isn't the answer to solving problems, especially with other people. When you go to school, I expect you to keep your hands to yourself.

DORA: But you hit me.

FLYNN: *sigh* I do. Well, I have in the past. How do you feel when I hit you?

DORA: I don't like it! I feel bad! I don't like you when you hit!

FLYNN: I can understand that. I've never liked it when people have put their hands on me either. Sometimes we end up doing the things we see other people do, even though we don't like it. I'm sorry for hitting you all those times before. From now on, I'm going to try not to hit you any more, okay? Can you forgive me?

DORA: Yeah. I forgive you, Daddy.

They hug.

FLYNN: Now, you know how bad you feel when I hit you? Imagine how bad that poor boy must have felt when you hit him. Do you want to make people feel that way?

DORA: But he was poking me!

FLYNN: Okay, Sweetie. I understand that sometimes people do things that are really annoying. What I expect of you is to ask them to stop, first. Tell them you're annoyed or disgusted or however it is that you feel and that you want them to quit doing things that lead you to feel that way. Then, if they don't stop, you tell a teacher. Now answer my question, please. Do you want him to feel bad and not like you because you hit him?

DORA: *sighs* Noooo. But what if he won't stop, even after the teacher says to, then can I hit him?

FLYNN: *smiles* Honey, that's my point. You can choose to do whatever you want. However, part of being a big girl is knowing that the choices that you make are going to have consequences. At our house, if you get a red for your behavior at school, you're going to come home and do extra chores that day without any books to read, TV to watch, games to play, or being able to play outside with the neighbor's dog. If you get a green for the day, you can still do everything you normally do. If you get all greens for a week, I'll take you out for a fun day on Saturday or Sunday. We'll go eat wherever you like for dinner or do whatever other activities you want that we can afford.

DORA: *eyes widen* Really?!

FLYNN: Only if you behave well, like I've asked you to. No hitting. No behaving in any other bad way at school. Grown ups like me keep their commitments whenever they can. I want you to do the same. Deal? *sticks out his hand*

DORA: DEAL! *shakes Flynn's hand and hugs him again*



Have you found it helpful to be clear about your behavioral expectations with your children? Leave a comment below or on Twitter!

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