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Most
people are very cautious about excessive use of profanity and the discussion of
taboo topics when they speak to others. However, much of the tension we see in
our relationships, or even the origins of arguments, can be traced back to HOW
we said what we said. The words we use can often cause people’s sense of
independence and control to be threatened. They tend to truly be angered,
saddened, or confused by our wording, not our message. However, our wording can
get them so riled up, they don’t even hear the (possibly) caring, loving
message that we’re trying to deliver. Here are 10 words that could be at the
root of why a friendship, romantic partnership, business enterprise, or close
family tie was damaged or broken.
10. Won’t
Examples: “That
won’t work.” “You won’t say that to her.” “You won’t treat me this way again.”
If you aren’t
psychic, there is a definite chance that you are wrong about what won’t happen
in the future. This includes what someone won’t do, say, or experience. Using
‘won’t’ can lead to people thinking you are belittling their abilities or
future prospects instead of being supportive of their goals and desires.
Try these alternate
wordings: “I’m afraid that might not work.” “She could get upset if you say
that to her.” “I’m ending this relationship because of your infidelity.”
9. Can’t
Examples: “You
can’t do that!” “If you can’t do it, I will.” “You can’t be so loud.”
This is like
‘won’t’ on steroids. Telling someone that they can’t do something or that
something can’t happen gives the impression that you have completely sized them
up as a human being and you have officially deemed them completely incapable of
something. This can lead people to feeling inadequate and unworthy. Over time,
this can lead to low self-esteem and even passive-aggressive or rebellious
behavior. Think about how many times teenagers are told that they “can’t” do
something (by cops, teachers, parents, supervisors, etc.). Telling them that
they can’t do something just leads them to want to do it more in order to
assert their autonomy and individuality. This phenomenon can happen with people
of just about any age who are able to speak relatively fluent English.
Try these alternate
wordings: “I believe that goes against our agreement.” “If you’re having
trouble getting it fixed, I’m willing to help.” “I’m concerned that your volume
is disturbing the other passengers.”
8. Must (Have To)
Examples: “You
must see where I’m coming from!” “You have to stop coming home so late.” “You
have to go to work.”
When you say
someone ‘must’ or ‘has to’ do something, you’re putting yourself in charge of
them and their decision making. These words have the added negative
characteristic of still squashing the other person’s freedom of choice. No one
has to do anything they don’t want to. When you tell someone what they “have
to” or “must” do, you disrespect their creativity and flexibility.
Try these
alternate wordings: “I hope you can see where I’m coming from on this.” “I
would appreciate it if you came home earlier.” “You might be late for work if
you don’t leave soon.”
7.
Will
Examples:
"Oh, yes you will!" "It will end in failure." "She
will leave you."
Using this word
means you are predicting the future. Again, unless you're are certifiably
psychic, you'll probably just end up pissing people off when you use this word
to speak to them in certain contexts. Try to withstand telling someone what
will happen without an understanding that you’re voicing your opinion or
concern. Feel free to be open and honest about what YOU plan on doing in the
future.
Try these alternate
wordings: "You can choose to leave, but I will dock your pay if you do so."
"I'm having a hard time seeing how you could be successful at that."
"I’m scared she might leave you if you do that."
6. Don’t
Examples:
"Don't say that." "Don't tell him that." "Don't talk
to me."
Telling someone
not to do something is about as bad as telling them that they can't do
something. Using 'don't' in this manner can give the impression that you think
you are of a higher status than the other person (i.e., smarter, more powerful,
etc.), which can lead to people trying to defend themselves in an argumentative
way, or just resenting you in silence.
Try these alternate
wordings: "I feel sad when you say that to me." "I'm concerned
that, if you tell him, he'll want to leave the company." "I'm not in
the mood to talk about this right now. Can we wait until after I’ve had a nap?"
5. Always
Examples:
"You always say that!" "She always does this." "You'll
always be alone."
Unless you can
somehow guarantee that something always has or always will happen, it's helpful
to steer clear of this word in most contexts. All it takes is for someone to
remember that one time that they did something you asked, and “You always
ignore what I want!” becomes a lie. And even if the evidence is clear that
someone always does something, when confronting them about it, using 'always'
can come off as oppressive and extreme. If the point is to have
discussion to resolve an issue, not to start an argument, then keeping ‘always’
out of the mix can be helpful.
Try these alternate
wordings: "I've heard you say that many times before." "She
seems to have a habit of being late." "I haven't ever seen you date
anyone and, if you aren't going to go to clubs or use dating sites, I'm not
sure how you will ever have a romantic relationship."
4. Never
Examples:
"You never want to go anywhere." "He's never been
romantic." "You never drink alcohol."
While there may be
things in life that you personally have never done, it can come off as
presumptuous when you tell someone else that they've never done something. Have
you been stalking their every move, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, over the
entire course of their lives? Probably not. Therefore, 'never' is most likely
too strong a word in most cases.
Try these alternate
wordings: "I can't remember the last time you agreed to go out with
me." "I haven't seen him do anything romantic before." "I
had no idea you drank alcohol."
3. Know
Examples: "I
know how you feel." "I know what you're thinking." "I know
something bad is going to happen."
You may pride
yourself on being a 'know-it-all', but this may just annoy and frustrate
others. We often use the word 'know' when we really just have suspicions or
opinions about something.
Try these alternate
wordings: "I can understand how you might feel that way." "It
sounds like you think he's cheating on you. Am I right?" "I'm afraid
something bad might happen."
2. Should
Examples:
"You should be at home with your kids." "You should leave
him." "You should go to the gym more often."
When we're trying to encourage someone to change their behavior or listen to
us, telling them what they 'should' be doing is the first step to distancing
ourselves from them. Dictators and bosses from Hell use 'should' on a pretty
regular basis. If you don't want to be seen as that sort of figure in someone's
life and you really want to influence them in a positive way, it can be helpful
to lay off using this word.
Try these alternate
wordings: "I feel concerned that you're not at home with your
children." "Have you considered ending the relationship?"
"I try to stay healthy by visiting the gym at least 3 times each week. Is
that something you think you could do, too?"
1. Need
Examples:
"You need to stop." "He needs therapy." "This is what
I need you to do..."
As small as this
word is, it can have a big impact of how you sound to others. 'Need' is a word
that is tied up in feelings of desperation, like life and death. In reality, no
one needs to do anything. If you're okay with dying, you don't need to breathe
oxygen. If you have no problem with getting arrested, you don't need to obey
the law. In any given situation, people have choices. Telling them what they
'need' to do sends the message that you know better than them what's good for
them and you are extraordinarily certain that what you command is going have
positive results for them.
Try these alternate
wordings: "It might be helpful if you stop drinking alcohol."
"He might benefit from some one-on-one counseling." "I'd
appreciate it if you would..."
You
may find that you have more influence over other people when you respect their
freedom of choice and talk to them as though they are your equal, not your
subordinate (even if they technically are). When you treat people with this
kind of verbal respect, you tend to get the same from them and you also tend to
have fewer tense moments and arguments in your relationship with that person.
This can lead to more loving partners, more obedient children, and more
motivated employees.
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