Parents! Use Your E.A.R.S.: Be Explicit

The 'E' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Explicit'. Being explicit with our child about what our expectations are is basic for having a smooth and effective disciplinary relationship with them. Many of us merely assume that our children know what we want from them, even though we've never taken the time to talk to them about it.

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One of the things that adults often forget about childhood is how confusing it can be. After all, life in general is new and there are new people, situations, locations, activities, and other information and stimuli hitting our children on a daily basis. Trying to figure out who to trust, when to act a certain way, who to listen to, and what their own feelings and beliefs are about various issues in the world can be an overwhelming task. Make it easier for them by focusing on being very clear and specific about what you want.

The example of Dora and Flynn, a single-father and daughter, is at the end of this post to illustrate what a shift to being more explicit about your expectations might look like, even for a five-year-old.

This list outlines several examples of areas where parents might fail to clearly state their expectations of their children's behavior.

 

Bed time / Curfew

Dating

Alcohol Use

Sleepovers

Playing Outside

Grades

Sex

Profanity

Violence (pinching, slapping, punching, poking, kicking, etc.)

Diet

Drug Use

Exercise

Pet Ownership

Apparel

Hygiene

Meal Times

Shopping

Money Management (Allowance)

Cleanliness

 

 

Dora, Flynn, and Violence

Dora, a first-grader, gets hit by her father, Flynn whenever she does something he doesn't like. When she gets fails a spelling test, she gets hit. When she uses profanity, she gets hit. When she leaves her bike in the front yard instead of storing it in the garage, she gets hit.

One day at school, a little boy that sits behind Dora proceeds to poke her incessantly. Dora doesn't like this. She hits the boy.

When Flynn gets the call about the incident, he might feel shocked and frustrated. Thoughts such as Where did she get THAT from?! or I know she knows better than to hit other people! might cross his mind. However, he has never actually talked to Dora and verbalized his expectations of her when she's at home or when she's at school.

As things stand, Flynn is likely to spank Dora when she gets home because of her behavior. If this is the first time Dora has ever hit someone at school, she'll probably be surprised to find out that hitting someone was worth getting a spanking since her dad hits her when he's upset about something she did. Again, note how confusing the social world in general, and our close relationships in specific, can be to navigate and comprehend.

However, if Flynn wanted to begin to inject some clarity into the relationship in order to change the dynamic between him and his daughter, he could start with this incident. When they are at home together at the end of the school day, he would sit down and talk to her about her behavior. The conversation might go something like this:

FLYNN: So, your teacher called and told me about what happened at school today. You got a red mark for hitting someone, right?

DORA: Yeah.

FLYNN: Dora, I feel disappointed and frustrated when you hit people at school. Violence isn't the answer to solving problems, especially with other people. When you go to school, I expect you to keep your hands to yourself.

DORA: But you hit me.

FLYNN: *sigh* I do. Well, I have in the past. How do you feel when I hit you?

DORA: I don't like it! I feel bad! I don't like you when you hit!

FLYNN: I can understand that. I've never liked it when people have put their hands on me either. Sometimes we end up doing the things we see other people do, even though we don't like it. I'm sorry for hitting you all those times before. From now on, I'm going to try not to hit you any more, okay? Can you forgive me?

DORA: Yeah. I forgive you, Daddy.

They hug.

FLYNN: Now, you know how bad you feel when I hit you? Imagine how bad that poor boy must have felt when you hit him. Do you want to make people feel that way?

DORA: But he was poking me!

FLYNN: Okay, Sweetie. I understand that sometimes people do things that are really annoying. What I expect of you is to ask them to stop, first. Tell them you're annoyed or disgusted or however it is that you feel and that you want them to quit doing things that lead you to feel that way. Then, if they don't stop, you tell a teacher. Now answer my question, please. Do you want him to feel bad and not like you because you hit him?

DORA: *sighs* Noooo. But what if he won't stop, even after the teacher says to, then can I hit him?

FLYNN: *smiles* Honey, that's my point. You can choose to do whatever you want. However, part of being a big girl is knowing that the choices that you make are going to have consequences. At our house, if you get a red for your behavior at school, you're going to come home and do extra chores that day without any books to read, TV to watch, games to play, or being able to play outside with the neighbor's dog. If you get a green for the day, you can still do everything you normally do. If you get all greens for a week, I'll take you out for a fun day on Saturday or Sunday. We'll go eat wherever you like for dinner or do whatever other activities you want that we can afford.

DORA: *eyes widen* Really?!

FLYNN: Only if you behave well, like I've asked you to. No hitting. No behaving in any other bad way at school. Grown ups like me keep their commitments whenever they can. I want you to do the same. Deal? *sticks out his hand*

DORA: DEAL! *shakes Flynn's hand and hugs him again*



Have you found it helpful to be clear about your behavioral expectations with your children? Leave a comment below or on Twitter!

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Your Kids Don't Listen Because They Don't Have E.A.R.S.

 

I want to take a few posts to focus on a problem common to parents: Their children will not listen to them. 

When we tell them to do something, they do the exact opposite. When we tell them to complete a chore, we're ignored. When we scream at them, they tune us out.

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There are 4 simple things that are often missing from the parent-child relationship that can lead to this sort of defiant behavior. Before you go out and spend hundreds of dollars on therapy, a DVD set, webinar, or some other parenting program, give these a try for a few months and see how things go. And please don't rule out using these tips because your child is nearing, or in, adulthood, or doesn't live with you any more. You can still use these skills and ideas to create a more relaxed, enjoyable, and influential relationship with your child.

"EARS" is the acronym I've chosen for these characteristics, just to help you remember them on a day-to-day basis. I'll go over each one in depth, complete with example scenarios, in the following posts. For now, here is what each letter stands for:

E - Explicitness: Let's be clear with our children about exactly what kinds of behaviors we expect from them. Let's stop assuming that they magically know how to behave and can read our minds.  

A - Archetypes: It helps if we role-model the kinds of behaviors we want from our children. They mimic us because that's how most animals in the world learn how to survive. "Do as I say, not as I do" usually doesn't get us very far when it comes to raising kids.

R - Responses: When we give our children feedback and enforce positive AND negative consequences for behaviors, we set up guidelines for children to follow regarding how we expect them to behave. 

S - Stability: Follow through with offering responses on a consistent basis. Lots of us tend to do E, A, and R at various sporadic points in our parenthood, but doing all of these things consistently can be key to showing our children how to be responsible and (self-)disciplined.  

Now that you have a general idea of what may help in parent-child relationships, stay tuned for more on how to execute each relationship skill.

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Read more about this topic!

5 Ways to Get Your Child to Listen
Leslie Garisto
http://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/strategies/5-ways-to-get-your-child-to-listen/


My Child's Behavior is So Bad! Where Do I Begin?: How to Coach Your Child Forward
Carole Banks, MSW
http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Childs-Behavior-Is-So-Bad.php


Bad Influences? Advice for Parents Who Think Their Kid's Friends are Weird, Dirty, or Troublemakers
Corrie Pikul @Corrie_Pikul
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/30/childs-friend-bad-influence_n_978456.html

Marijuana vs Alcohol: The Danger Games

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http://freakonomics.com/2014/04/17/whats-more-dangerous-marijuana-or-alcohol-full-transcript/



 I have always seen evidence that alcohol is more immediately, physically dangerous than marijuana, but I'm sure there are people in the world who abuse marijuana and are just as dangerous as some alcohol abusers. Read the transcript and tell me what you think! 

Hopeless Alcoholics: Fact or Fiction?

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The term "hopeless" gets thrown around quite a bit with the family, friends, and colleagues of alcoholics. They see the repeated trips to addictions treatment centers, they hear the multiple promises to stop getting drunk, and they also see all the failures that come after these attempts at recovery. If this is what makes someone struggling with alcoholism 'hopeless', the vast majority of alcoholics would be considered hopeless because so many relapse. However, you could also apply this term to people who have battle cancer multiple times, who struggle with diabetes, or who have auditory hallucinations that they may not always successfully ignore or recognize as originating outside of reality.

Why do we use this language with people struggling with the disease of addiction?

Kent of Spiritual River wrote about this topic. Click the link below to read and comment.

http://www.spiritualriver.com/hopeless-cases-alcoholism-real-thing/

2 Signs You May Be Addicted to Alcohol

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Alcohol addiction tends to come with a special form of denial that is generated by the fact that alcohol is legal to purchase and consume. People also get confused about whether or not they are addicted due to the fact that alcohol comes in various forms and in different concentrations of absolute alcohol.

For instance, some people may think that you can become an alcoholic drinking vodka, but not wine, or from drinking rum, but not beer. This argument is the same as saying you can gain weight by eating cake but not by eating pretzels, as though pretzels don't have calories. I hope you won't fall into this mental trap. It's helpful if you can accept the idea that developing alcoholism is not about what kinds of alcoholic beverages you consume. Whether or not you have developed alcoholism is based on the context and intensity of your drinking.

I strongly suggest having a professional alcoholism assessment completed if the following sentence describes your alcohol use: You have alcohol-related problems and you keep drinking it anyway.

An alcoholic who is in denial may immediately dismiss this notion, swearing that they have absolutely no problems that are related to alcohol. Below, I have broken down the two components of this sentence to help clarify what is meant by "problems".

You have alcohol-related problems...

Has drinking alcohol caused any trouble for you more than once in your life? To be clear about what defines a 'problem', 'issue', or 'trouble', I've included a list of categories and examples below. Keep in mind that these sorts of things can happen to people who aren't addicted to alcohol (or anything else), but the difference with someone who is addicted to alcohol is that they have these problems because of the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Someone who hasn't gotten enough sleep can run their car into their own mailbox, but if you've done something like this more than once (or in addition to having impaired other abilities, such as your motor skills or memory) because you were (1) getting drunk, (2) recovering from getting drunk (sleeping or vomiting, for instance), or (3) trying to access (money for) alcohol, then your situation is worth being assessed by a professional.

Personal

Getting into arguments with family, friends, or co-workers while intoxicated

Having a romantic partner or spouse break up with you because of your alcohol use

Your children are embarrassed and ashamed of your behavior while drunk

You feel remorse or regret regarding things you did or said while drunk

You only hang out with other people who regularly get drunk

You have forgotten how to have a good time without alcohol

You ridicule others who don't get drunk as "boring" or "lame"
 

 
Legal

 Drinking / getting drunk when it is prohibited to do so
Before you are of legal age, while operating heavy machinery, at your child's school, while you're on probation, etc.

Being evicted from your home or apartment
Due to noise, fights, drunken rants, harassing neighbors, spending rent/mortgage on alcohol, etc.

Receiving a DUI charge

Being cited for public intoxication or alcohol-related disorderly conduct
 

Professional

Not showing up to work

Showing up to work late

Being extremely or completely unproductive while at work

Showing up to work drunk

 

Getting fired due to the issues listed above

Academic

Not going to classes

Not showing up for classes on time

Going drinking instead of studying

Not being able to focus your attention on basic information that is being taught / studied

 

Coming to class drunk

Being expelled due to the reasons listed above

 

...and you keep drinking it anyway.

Even though you may have experienced any or all of these recurring problems, you continue to use alcohol. If that's true for you, I highly encourage you to get a professional assessment and follow the recommendations that an addiction professional may have.

Think about how you might feel if you noticed a child touching a hot stove, burning themselves, and then touching the hot stove again anyway. When I've brought this example up, people have said that they would be concerned about and afraid for that child. Because humans are wired to move away from things that are painful, we often feel surprised and anxious around people who do things that are obviously causing them problems in spite of the pain of those troubles.

Please don't take this post as a virtual diagnostic tool. Use this post only as the canary in the mine: The way you might know that it's time to get an assessment and be certain one way or another if you've developed alcoholism.

Do you have any examples of people exhibiting this addictive behavior towards alcohol? Have you reached out to people you might think have an addiction to something?

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2 Signs You May Be Addicted to Marijuana

 

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Read More About This Topic:

Does Science Show What the 12 Steps Know?
National Geographic | Jarret Liotta
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2013/08/130809-addiction-twelve-steps-alcoholics-anonymous-science-neurotheology-psychotherapy-dopamine/

Alcoholism News
Science Daily
http://www.sciencedaily.com/news/mind_brain/alcoholism/

With Sobering Science, Doctor Debunks 12-Step Recovery
NPR | NPR Staff
http://www.npr.org/2014/03/23/291405829/with-sobering-science-doctor-debunks-12-step-recovery

Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=495

Infographic: The Differences Between Passivity, Assertiveness, and Aggression

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SAMHSA: Girls Drink, Boys Smoke Weed

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Click screen shot to go to SAMHSA's site.

3 Great Tips for Becoming Less Aggressive

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If, over the past several posts, you've realized that you may be have some issues with aggression, here are a few tips to help you reduce the amount of aggression you show in your life. These tips revolve around changing your thinking so that you're less likely to feel emotions such as anger, and are therefore less likely to have the urge to behave in aggressive manners. I can pretty much guarantee you that these will feel extremely uncomfortable the first several times your attempt them. However, as with anything else in life, the more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes. My hope is that you'll get to a place in your life when these sorts of responses and considerations will be second nature instead of being forced and heavily calculated. There are a couple of examples at the end of this post to help illustrate what this transition away from aggressive behavior could play out.

1. Address and Accept ALL of Your Emotions--Not Just Anger

As we've discussed, the root of our anger and aggressive behavior is often some other, more vulnerable emotion. When you find yourself about to tell somebody off, threaten someone, or express your anger in some unhealthy way, try being honest with yourself about what's underneath your anger. When you feel your blood pressure rising, your heart rate increasing, or you hands forming in fists, soothe yourself by reminding yourself that it's okay to feel angry, but also know it's completely normal, healthy, and acceptable to feel sad, disrespected, confused, anxious, hurt, or any other emotion that may be hiding under the anger. Then, be honest with the other person about what you


2. Consider the Other Person

Sometimes we are aggressive towards other people because we're more concerned about our needs being met than about what they might be going through. Take a step back and try to think about how you would feel if someone yelled at, insulted, or hit you. Do your children see how you treat your wife? What are they learning about relationships when they see you push your best friend? What do your co-workers learn about you when they see how you treat your interns? On top of consider the person who usually directly receives your ire, take into consideration the people who are indirectly effected as well.

3. Apologize

This is a difficult feat to accomplish for people without aggression issues, so for people who are struggling with being less aggressive, apologizing to someone for aggressive behavior can seem like climbing Mount Everest. However, this is part of the process of changing your mindset from thinking that aggressive behavior is an acceptable, helpful way to behave to viewing as something that is worth apologizing for, just like stealing or lying. You don't necessarily have to go back ten years and address every person who has ever had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of your aggression. Just start with the last aggressive thing you remember doing. It could have been something like dressing down a co-worker in front of a client; yelling at your husband in front of your children; or reading your new girlfriend's diary without her permission. If you can work the first tip into your apology, that would be great. If you need further guidance on how to form a sincere-sounding apology, see the post on "The Anatomy of an Apology".

Examples

Stan and Christa

Stan and Christa are walking through the mall. Stan sees a woman he thinks he went to high school with. He's not certain because he and his old classmates would look a little different since they're all in their mid thirties now. He stares at her, and even as she passes, his gaze follows her for a moment before he begins looking forward again.

Christa, as aggressive as she is, may be primed and ready to spout off insults and accusations about Stan looking at this other woman. She would normally accuse him of wanting to be with another woman or of even cheating on her with other women at other times in their relationship.

But this time, Christa stops walking, takes a deep breath to calm herself down, and faces her husband.
"When you stare at other women, I feel inadequate and uncertain, as though you're looking at them because you're dissatisfied with being with me. It really hurts me and leads me to feel angry and frustrated and I wish you wouldn't do that."

*Notice that Christa doesn't completely ignore the angry feelings, she just makes sure to talk about the underlying feelings first. She doesn't blame or criticize, try to read Stan's mind or accuse him of anything, she just focuses on what is going on in her own heart and mind. 

Gretchen and Dre

Gretchen and Dre are cousins. Gretchen just moved to the city Dre lives in. They met during family events like Christmas or vacations throughout their childhood, but they've been hanging out regularly for the past month. Gretchen has noticed that whenever she offers and opinion or voices a preference, Dre shoots the idea down with a flat "No" and makes the decision for the both of them regarding things like what movie to see or where to go on a day trip. Though Gretchen was beginning to develop the habit of remaining silent and just letting Dre make all the decisions for them, while they're walking around downtown one weekend, he says he's hungry and Gretchen immediately suggests the new Mediterranean restaurant just a couple of blocks away.

This time, before saying "No", Dre presses his lips together, stops walking, and turns to face Gretchen.
"When you suggest places for us to eat, I feel incompetent and irritated, but I don't really know why. I want you to feel comfortable making decisions and offering your input in our relationship. I'll try harder at not rejecting your suggestions so much."

*Note that Dre was honest about what he was feeling, even though he didn't have any idea where these emotions were coming from (like Christa thinking that Stan didn't want her as a partner anymore). Even if you have no idea why you feel certain emotions, being clear and honest about feeling them can help express them in a healthy, verbal manner so that you can your partner are on the same page about your relationship. 

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Canadian Honor Killings / Femicide

 

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I was stunned that a woman was only killed every six days in Canada, as opposed to in the US where I suspect the numbers are exponentially higher. I can understand the viewpoint that calling these sorts of murders 'honor killings' almost gives them a hint of justification or regality. Read this article, following this post series' topic of 'aggression', and see what you think.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/amy-awad/honour-crimes_b_5127426.html

Aggression: Top 3 Pros and Cons

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Now that we know where aggression comes from, let's weigh out the pros and cons of aggressive habits. In the next post on aggression, we'll discuss methods for moving away from behaving in aggressive manners.


Benefits


1. Material Abundance and / or Professional Success

We aggressive people sometimes show that aggressiveness in the work place. While that can lead to being fired or arrested, other times it can lead to company growth, promotions, and accolades (including raises and increased perks) for our outstanding performance. In any business where it pays to be a cut-throat, feelings-disregarding, bridge-burning pirate of an employee, aggressive people will tend to excel. Even in other aspects of life we may have strong-armed our way into things like a great house, a good neighborhood, a better school, etc.


2. No Contest

Being aggressive can also mean that we get our way most, if not all, of the time. When we make decisions for ourselves, they apply to everyone around us. If we want Chinese, the entire staff will have Chinese food for lunch. If we want to go to Tobago on our family vacation, that is exactly where the family will go--without any input from, or regard for, anyone else in the family. Being aggressive can mean that we don't have to spend time and energy trying to convince people to do what we want, the way we want it, because they may be so afraid of, or annoyed by, our attitude that they do what we say just to avoid incurring our wrath.







3. Relatively Open Communication

Since we're outwardly aggressive, we tend not to have any of the problems that come along with stuffing down, covering up, or ignoring our emotions. We lay everything out on the table. Well...most things. We often lash out in aggressive manners precisely because we aren't acknowledging our more vulnerable feelings first--things like hurt, sadness, disrespect, or anxiety. However, at the very least, the anger is going to be expressed to the offending party, even if those deeper emotions are never mentioned.




Drawbacks

1. Isolation

While it can be nice to have some time alone, being aggressive can push people away from us to the point that they don't want to interact with us, even on a superficial level. People avoid eye contact on elevators, duck into bathrooms if we're walking through the hallways, or even ignore our phone calls. Unfortunately, when we're going through a situation in which we need support, this means these people may not be willing to be there for us.


2. Criminal Record and Other Reputation Issues

Getting in trouble with the law is never fun. However, when we get into physical fights or loud arguments with others, we are at very high risk of having the police called on us. We could get in a fight at a bar, with our sibling at a family cookout, with our romantic partner during dinner at a restaurant, at a sporting event, even at a movie theatre--all because of our aggressive pattern of behavior. If we're not arrested, we're often asked to leave places like restaurants and amusement parks, and sometimes are altogether banned from these places. If we happen to be with other people, they tend to not want to hang out with us any more after that happens due to feeling shocked and embarrassed. We begin to build a reputation for being a "hot-head". This can effect job prospects, friendships, family relationships, and dating.


3. Missed Opportunities

When no one wants to spend very much time with us, there's a lot that can pass us up. We may miss out on sentimental events that, such as a friend's wedding or a relative's birthday party, because we weren't invited based on our behavior. There are also professional consequences to having problems with aggression such as getting passed over for management or executive positions because people fear how we will perform. Someone we may have been able to meet and start a relationship with could be turned of by our aggressive manner of speaking and behaving.




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Read More About This Topic:

Aggressive: A Good Thing in the Eyes of Gen Y Women?
Ilo Inspired | Maxie McCoy
http://iloinspired.com/aggressive-is-good/


Does Media Violence Lead to the Real Thing?
The New York Times | Vasilis K. Pozios, Praveen R. Kambam, and H. Eric Bender
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/25/opinion/sunday/does-media-violence-lead-to-the-real-thing.html?_r=0

How Video Games *REALLY* Foster Aggression

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The Surprising Origin of Aggression

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Social Science, Human Behavior, Social Work, Emotions, Anger, Aggression

Humans, like most animals, can readily show aggression if they believe they are being threatened.

The last few posts were all about passivity. Now, let's spend some time exploring aggression. You may be, or know, an aggressive person. Someone who seems to constantly get into heated arguments or even physical altercations. This person may have many tense relationships with the people around them. But this disposition didn't fall out of the sky. All aggression comes from somewhere.

What is "Aggression"?

Merriam-Webster defines 'aggression' as: "angry or violent behavior or feelings".

Aggressive people are often the opposite of passive people in that they show their emotions openly.

Aggression comes from anger. Anger is not an emotion that manifests itself outside of a vulnerable context. This means that, if someone is angry and displaying aggressive behavior, they have probably first felt hurt, disrespected, belittled, or some other tender emotions.

Aggression can manifest itself in many ways including name-calling ("incompetent", "idiot", "fat", "ugly", "stupid", "ridiculous", "immature", etc.), threats (to fire someone, to hit someone, to reveal a secret, etc.), inflicting physical pain (pinching, pushing, grabbing, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, etc.), and inflicting psychological pain (damaging sentimental items, harming pets, etc.).

Often, children who grow up in environments with aggressive people around simply end of mimicking this behavior as a way to deal with their feelings throughout life. These children generally grow to become playground bullies and aggressive criminals (assault, rape, battery, etc.). Other times, adults who have regularly been relatively calm can develop a habit of being more aggressive due to life circumstances that have 'hardened' them in this manner. For instance, going off to war or having to serve a lengthy sentence in prison. Maybe a relatively mild mannered weed dealer was incarcerated for an extended period of time due to the drug laws in his country and, spending so much time with other criminals who are more aggressive, learned to be aggressive as well in order to protect himself around them. It's likely that when he leaves prison after several years, having learned to become more aggressive and make that demeanor a habit, he will tend to me more aggressive than he was when he was first imprisoned.

Where Does Aggression Come From?

We tend to get aggressive about things that cause us deep pain.

 

Aggression comes from our attempt to protect our vulnerable feelings. This is similar to how an animal might growl or snap at a wildlife ranger and their crew as they try to help them with a gunshot wound or hoof that's gotten caught in a fence. The animal wants to protect that wounded area of themselves until they can trust that the people coming towards them aren't trying to harm them further. After a few minutes, they often settle down and take the help that's being given.

Humans work in a very similar way.

For example, if Tandy gets nervous about talking to the whole class when it's time for "Show and Tell" presentations, she might wet herself while standing in front of the class. Though she was already extremely nervous, anxious, and scared, when the other kids start to laugh at her and call her names, she might then feel hurt by being ridiculed. In order to save herself from tuning into and fully experiencing the hurt, she lashes out with her anger and calls the other kids names, says the presentation is stupid anyway, and tells the Mr. Black she hates him for making her do this as she runs out the classroom door. Alone, in the bathroom, she might calm down a little and start to cry. Now, even though she tried to defend against it in the classroom, she is fully experiencing those feelings of hurt, inadequacy, and humiliation that she faced a few moments before. Even though she had screamed at Mr. Black before, as the teacher slowly coaxes her out of the bathroom, Tandy may accept a hug and further aid with her wet clothes from the guidance counselors at her school.

You may have noticed that many people who get extremely angry tend to cry shortly after their initial aggression has been expressed (hopefully only verbally and in a respectful manner, but often through fighting or some other destructive behavior). This is because anger and aggression act as defenses for those more vulnerable feelings that we often don't want to recognize and accept. What CEO wants to feel inadequate in her position? What father wants to feel isolated from his children, even though they live in the same house? As the CEO, I might retaliate against someone who corrected something I said during a meeting by belittling them. As a father, I might ground my children in an attempt to make them stay at home with me during their free time so that I don't feel so disconnected from them.

So, the next time you think you're seeing someone display aggression, keep in mind that the root of that particular tree is very sensitive and fragile and needs to be shown nurturance and protection, or else the anger will persist without any recognition or processing of the feelings underneath the "armor" that is anger.

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Coming up next, I'll post about the positives and negatives of being aggressive. Stay tuned!

Read more about this topic:

Screw You! The Psychology of Anger and Aggression
The Guardian | Dean Burnett
http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2013/aug/06/anger-aggression-psychology-screw-you

Getting Angry is Actually Good for You. It's Just Science
The Huffington Post | Jacqueline Howard
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/27/science-of-anger-emotion-survive-video_n_5030788.html

Anger and Aggression
First Psychology Scotland
http://www.firstpsychology.co.uk/anger-aggression-introduction/

4 Tips for Being Less Passive

Now that we've explored the possible origins of passivity, and weighed out the good and bad aspects of being a passive person, let's end this post series with a few key ideas related to becoming less passive. If you think that passivity has been holding you back or causing problems in your personal and professional relationships, engaging in these four things on a regular basis can begin to pull you away from being passive and towards being more outgoing and personable.


1. Say What's on Your Mind

If you're a habitually passive person, you have probably had multiple instances in which you had doubts, concerns, accolades, innovations, or warnings that you could have expressed, but didn't. It's probably easiest to begin with the positives. When you think someone has done a good job, tell them. If you like someone's shoes, say so. If you're glad your husband cleaned the bathroom before you got home, give them that feedback.

As you get more comfortable, don't hesitate to let people know what you are displeased with things as well. If you are irritated by your wife leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor or are anxious about your younger brother going to college in another country, let these sentiments be known as well.


2. Speak Up About What You Prefer

When it's time to choose a restaurant, family vacation spot, or new car, let your preferences be known. While this doesn't mean you need to be aggressive or pushy, there's no harm in a simple "I really like the black one," "My allergies will start to go crazy in Louisville," or "I'd love to get some sushi right about now."

Save "Whatever you say," and "Why don't you choose?" for circumstances in which you honestly have no particular issues with any of the options given.



3. Jump In to Make Decisions

When there is a stall in the decision-making process at work or at home, every now and again, jump in and be the person to steer the ship, so to speak. One friend wants to see a movie, the other wants to go to the local amusement park. Speak up about what you want and be the one to make a final decision.



4. Share Your Talents

If you love to draw, don't just do it in the privacy of your bedroom. Draw someone a beautiful scene for their wedding or birthday. If you like to sew, make someone a pair of gloves, purse, blouse, or tie. If you are a really good singer, go out to karaoke and sing with your family. If you love to write, volunteer to post on the company blog at work. Better yet, if your company doesn't have one, combine all of these tips and be the one to bring up starting one, volunteer to coordinate the effort and write the blog, and then be the one to edit it regularly.


These four things can be really difficult for someone who has spent a lifetime living in the background of other people's decisions and activities. If you decide to try these tips, do one at a time and start with relatively trivial issues like what you want for breakfast or just doodling funny pictures for a co-worker at the office. Work your way up to more and more dramatic changes away from constant passivity. Be patient with yourself. You developed this habit over the course of years, so I encourage you to give yourself at least that much time to really integrate the idea of being assertive into your everyday life.

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Read more about this topic: 

The Complete Guide on How to Be More Outgoing

Social Pro | David Morin and Viktor Sander

http://www.socialpronow.com/outgoing

7 Tips on How to Fake an Outgoing Personality

Womanitely | Jennifer Houston

http://womanitely.com/tips-how-to-fake-an-outgoing-personality/

2 Signs You May Be Addicted to Marijuana

Throughout my years working in the substance addiction treatment arena, I could probably count on one hand how many people came to my treatment center due to a diagnosed marijuana addiction. None of them believed that they had an addiction because marijuana's "not that serious". Fair enough. However, if there are people out there who are questioning whether or not they may have an addiction to marijuana, there are two red flags that, when you notice both going on in your life, probably mean getting an assessment by a professional is the best next step for you. These steps can be combined in a single sentence: You have marijuana-related problems and you keep smoking it anyway. Below, I've clarified each of the two major components of this sentence.


You have marijuana-related problems...

Has smoking marijuana caused any trouble for you more than once in your life? To be clear about what defines a 'problem', 'issue', or 'trouble', I've included a list of categories and examples below. Keep in mind that these sorts of things can happen to people who aren't addicted to marijuana (or anything else), but the difference with someone who is addicted to marijuana is that they have these problems because of the marijuana use. Someone having a hectic day might forget to pick their kids up from school on time, but if you've done this more than once (or in addition to having forgotten other responsibilities) because you were (1) getting high, (2) recovering from getting high (sleeping, fumigating a room, or eating, for instance), or (3) trying to access (money for) marijuana, then your situation is worth being assessed by a professional.

Personal

Lack of motivation to do things you normally would

(take out the trash, attend your son's violin recital, walk your dog, etc.)
Remember the Afroman song, "Because I Got High" about being prepared to do something but then getting high and not doing it.

Forgetting your responsibilities

(picking up kids from school, doing grocery shopping, paying a bill, etc.)

Reacting to emergency situations without a sense of urgency

(house catches fire, your child steps in front of a moving car, you almost rear-end another car, etc.)

Legal

 Possession of marijuana

Being evicted from your home or apartment

Receiving a DUI charge

Professional

Not showing up to work

Showing up to work late

Being extremely or completely unproductive while at work

Showing up to work high

Falling asleep on the job

Getting fired due to the issues listed above

Academic

Not going to classes

Not showing up for classes on time

Forgetting to study

Not being able to focus your attention on basic information that is being taught / studied

Spending excessive amounts of time studying one subject when you have multiple classes

Laughing inappropriately during lectures

Falling asleep during class

...and you keep smoking it anyway.

Even though you may have experienced any or all of these recurring problems, you continue to use marijuana. If that's true for you, I highly encourage you to get a professional assessment and follow the recommendations that an addiction professional may have.

Think about how you might feel if you noticed a child touching a hot stove, burning themselves, and then touching the hot stove again anyway. When I've brought this example up, people have said that they would be concerned about and afraid for that child. Because humans are wired to move away from things that are painful, we often feel surprised and anxious around people who do things that are obviously causing them problems in spite of the pain of those troubles.

Please don't take this post as a virtual diagnostic tool. Use this post only as the canary in the mine: The way you might know that it's time to get an assessment and be certain one way or another if you've developed an addiction.


Do you have any examples of people exhibiting this addictive behavior towards marijuana? Have you reached out to people you might think have an addiction to something?

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Read More About This Topic:

The Diagnosis of Marijuana (Cannabis) Dependence
Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment | N.S. Miller, M.S. Gold
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2677398

Four Myths About Marijuana Addiction
Leaf Science
http://www.leafscience.com/2013/11/28/4-myths-marijuana-addiction/

Marijuana Addiction Myths and Facts
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http://www.michaelshouse.com/marijuana-addiction/myths-facts/

Marijuna Anonymous Preamble
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https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/






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Why Being Passive Sucks. Or Not.

 Now that we've got a good understanding of what passivity is and how to identify a passive person, let's explore the possible pros and cons of being a passive person. In the next post on passivity, we'll talk about ways to change passive behavior if you find that it is becoming a problem in your life.

The Benefits

1. Being Held Accountable is a Rarity.

Remember that passive people tend to let others have all the control, so when the shit does hit the fan, the leader is often held to task--not necessarily their passive minion. Because the passive person never spoke up to initiate any moves or finalize any decisions, they are often forgotten about when it comes time to dole out consequences for any problematic happenings. Most people hate being blamed for things, even when it is their fault, so I'd chalk this aspect of passivity up as a plus.


2. Virtually No Pressure to Ever Make Tough Decisions

Because the passive person allows things to happen to and around them without their input or influence, the passive person is often the absolute last person to be consulted when it comes to making tough decisions. Further, they'll have about a 0.01% chance of having to actually make a tough decision themselves on a regular basis. This can be viewed as a positive because people often have a hard time knowing what the "right" thing to do is in situations that are complicated or painful. The passive person will be least likely to be considered to decide whether or not to take a family member off of life support, choose whether or not a company merger should take place with a former competitor, or which play should be made in the last 15 seconds of the championship basketball game.

3. Superficial Peace

At least on the surface, a family with multiple passive people may seem quiet and calm to an outsider and even to the family members themselves. This means that there's no fighting or arguing, screaming matches or family members who decide to run away from home. Because everyone is so passive, everything painful is stuffed and tolerated in silence. There are often other outlets for any discomfort, sadness, or anger that is not being openly expressed. These outlets are sometimes quiet and private, such as masturbation, journaling, or self-mutilation. Other times, these outlets are public, but exercised outside of the home, such as getting drunk at a bar, discreet criminal activity, or infidelity.


4. Low Bar

Since people often forget that the passive person even exists, they usually don't expect a lot from them outside of doing what they're told. The passive person has no hoops to jump through or hurdles to clear because no one is holding them to a high standard as an employee, friend, spouse, child, or student. As long as they are there at the convenience of others, they're given a 'pass', so to speak.

The Drawbacks

1. No Credit

Being in the background on project after project may land the passive person a mention in a credit on a back page of a document somewhere, but that's about the best that is to be hoped for. And that's only if they have a very conscientious and kind group of people who they work with. Often, regardless of how much or how little work the passive person put into something, they are forgotten when it comes time to take credit for making something happen. And, per the profile, this person is not going to speak up and ask to be given publicized credit for the work that they've done.


2. No Say-So

The passive person may have preferences and desires, but because they've grown accustomed to letting everyone around them be in charge, those notions get pushed to the back burner on a consistent basis. Being passive means that they may not have the assertiveness that it takes in order to speak up and voice which movie they'd prefer to see, their salary expectations, what color they want to paint the kitchen, or what their bottom line is for buying a new home.


3. No Honest, Open Depth in Relationships

When people are assertive, it can be a lot easier to learn things about them because they will speak up about their likes and dislikes, what annoys them, what brings them joy, what scares them, and so on. But these things are very often a mystery to others when they're interacting with a passive person. While they may be fine with trusting them to complete certain tasks, they may not feel a very strong connection to the passive person because they can come off much like a void or blank slate. Therefore, the passive person could possibly have many acquaintances that they may call 'friends'. They also may have what others see as "good" relationships with their family members, but it's really just an artificial cohesiveness for the sake of show. Their family could be deeply tense and filled with resentments that just don't manifest themselves in an open and honest way. When people don't directly discuss and address the things that are bothering them, those feelings and thoughts fester inside of them and have the ability to cause emotional, social, mental, and even physical damage. This is where passive-aggressive behavior is born.

4. Squandered Potential

Like most human beings, it's very likely that a passive person has special talents, passions, and skills that are often underutilized because the person doesn't push for these skills to be used. Because the passive person is often forgotten about, rarely publically receives the credit that they're due, and doesn't push for their ideas to be heard, whatever talent they have may stay hidden from their family, friends, and colleagues. For example, this means that their natural talent for singing stays in the shower with them. They don't sing at the karaoke bar with their co-workers, on the cruise with their family, or in the car with their friends, so no one knows they can sing well to be able to encourage them to seek formal training and audition for gigs at bars. They could become a local, national, or even international sensation, if only those closest to them knew what they possessed.


What other benefits and drawbacks to passivity can you come up with? Which have you actually seen in your everyday life?


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Learned Helplessness: 6 Keys to Breaking Away from Negativity
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