Critical Parenting Skill #4: Stability

The 'S' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'stability'. This just means that we make sure that we use E. A. and R. on a consistent basis.

I say 'consistent' basis because I want you, and your child, to be open to, and accept, the fact that even parents are human. Pressuring ourselves or our children to be our (or worse--someone else's) definition of perfect tends to create a lot of undue tension in a relationship. We have lapses. We make mistakes and misjudgments occasionally, and that's okay. It's just part of being our wonderfully imperfect selves.

#KidMSSW

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Explicit

 

When navigating your relationship with your child, try to be consistently explicit. Help other people understand what you're looking for in the romantic, parental, platonic, or professional relationship you may be in with them.


Archetype

Being an archetype for behaviors that you see as healthy and appropriate is a huge help in showing your children what you want from them. If you expect them to show up to appointments and events on time, it helps if you are regularly on time or early. If you expect someone else to allow you to speak your piece without interrupting, it's helpful to show them the same respect.


Responses

Responding instead of reacting can help you gain more influence and respect in various relationships in your lives because you behave in a manner that doesn't seem like you are merely lashing out or retaliating against someone because you are trying to cope with unpleasant, intense emotions of your own. When you calmly respond, you appear less aggressive and it is a lot easier for people to listen deeply to what it is you have to say. It also makes your children much less likely to try to resist negative consequences being enforced by you.

 

Stability

If you do decide to use E.A.R.S. to change the dynamic in your relationship with your child, please remember to be patient with yourself and your child. Depending upon their age, you may have helped initiate a relationship that is filled with tension, violence, and passive-aggressive behavior over the course of many years, or even decades. Knowing that it took so long to create this dynamic, it's unrealistic to expect these new behaviors to begin having a positive impact over night (though it can sometimes seem like they do, for a lucky few!).

The key to E.A.R.S. is belief. You have to believe that you really deserve to have a relationship with your child that doesn't involve you behaving in violent, passive-aggressive, or oppressive ways towards them. You have to believe that you have the willpower and the patience to behave the way that you want them to, so that you can show them how to be a responsible, well-rounded, loving, and mature adult. You have to believe that they, as your offspring, are capable of meeting your expectations (granted they're realistic, based on age and mental capacity). Give it at least six months of consistently using these concepts before throwing in the towel. Understand that there will probably be frustration and rebellion in the beginning due to there being this massive shift in the relationship. However, once you get "over the hump", so to speak, things often run much more smoothly from that point forward.

I eagerly await your feedback regarding using E.A.R.S. to handle disobedient children.

Thanks for reading!

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