Great Secrets to Better Listening: Repeat What You Heard

After letting the other person have their say, a relatively simple component of effective listening involves repeating back to someone what you understood out of what they said. This is great for more technical tasks like how to put our child's crib together while speaking with a customer service rep over the phone, but it's also helpful in relationships because it shows the person talking to us that we've at least made an attempt to hear what they have to say.

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Please steer clear of sarcastically mimicking the person. Repeating what someone says is just a way to make sure the lines of communication are operating properly. If there is a misunderstanding, because you told the person your understanding of what they said, they have an opportunity to correct your impression by re-wording themselves or giving your more information.

Here are some examples from snippets of conversations that involve this skill:

Lalonda: "I hate it when you call me 'Lala' it's so...weird."
Corey: "So you don't like it when I call you Lala?"
Lalonda: "No!"
Corey: "Okay. I'll try to work on not calling you that any more. Thanks for telling me. I apologize if I hurt or offended you."

Nero: "Can you get some stuff for me at the store, too? I just need Wet Wipes, string cheese, and a lighter."
Pan: "You want Wet Wipes, string cheese, and a lighter?"
Nero: "Right. Thanks." 
Pan: "No problem. I'm on it."

Waylon: "I hate that I have to force you to go to games. It feels like work. It's no fun."
Sherry: "Are you saying you don't want me to go to games with you?"
Waylon: "No! I...I enjoy basketball generally and I want to share that time with you, but I always have to ask you to go and remind you to put on a Cardinals shirt and it's like...*sigh* I dunno..."
Sherry: "It sounds like you would rather I were more enthusiastic about going."
Waylon: "Well...actually...yeah. That's it. It's like you don't want to go and I want you to like it and want to go."

Great Secrets to Better Listening: Be All Ears

It may seem pretty straightforward, but many people have a hard time with the foundation of listening: Actually remaining silent and letting the other person say what they have to say. When we interrupt, roll our eyes, make faces and noises, or feign listening with excessive 'yeah's 'uh-huh's and 'okay's, we just show the other person disrespect, which often leads to further tension and possibly even verbal or physical altercations.

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So, the next time a friend, family member, co-worker is trying to confront us about our behavior, it's probably helpful if we give them a chance to actually get their feelings off of their chest. Sometimes people aren't all that upset with us over a single thing that we did, but because of a multitude of little things that irked that person, and they may have been holding in their feelings for a while.

It's understandable that people sometimes make assumptions about what we did or said, but that doesn't mean we can't let them get their thoughts out in the open. Once the  person is finished speaking, we can review what they've said and give them information to dispute their assumptions. If you assume that I brought a six-pack of beer to your Super Bowl party because I want to ruin your 9 months of sobriety, I can let you tell me what you think and how you feel about that. Then I can gently remind you that we've been drinking together since we were teenagers and, now that we're in our thirties, though I am supportive of your recovery from alcoholism, I simply acted out of habit and completely forgot about your condition. I can apologize, ask for forgiveness, and then (hopefully) enjoy an alcohol-free party at your house.

It's often very difficult for us to sit back and listen to someone say things that we know to be untrue. In this instance, it can be helpful to embrace the idea that this person lacks knowledge (or maybe even a connection with reality) that allows them to speak honestly about the topic at hand. Therefore, view them more as someone who might benefit from that information, not necessarily someone who is vehemently trying to tell lies. Again, when they are done speaking, talk to them about what you know to be fact and what you know to be fiction.

Simply sit back and listen and see if that doesn't help ease tension in your relationship with others.

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Critical Parenting Skill #4: Stability

The 'S' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'stability'. This just means that we make sure that we use E. A. and R. on a consistent basis.

I say 'consistent' basis because I want you, and your child, to be open to, and accept, the fact that even parents are human. Pressuring ourselves or our children to be our (or worse--someone else's) definition of perfect tends to create a lot of undue tension in a relationship. We have lapses. We make mistakes and misjudgments occasionally, and that's okay. It's just part of being our wonderfully imperfect selves.

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Explicit

 

When navigating your relationship with your child, try to be consistently explicit. Help other people understand what you're looking for in the romantic, parental, platonic, or professional relationship you may be in with them.


Archetype

Being an archetype for behaviors that you see as healthy and appropriate is a huge help in showing your children what you want from them. If you expect them to show up to appointments and events on time, it helps if you are regularly on time or early. If you expect someone else to allow you to speak your piece without interrupting, it's helpful to show them the same respect.


Responses

Responding instead of reacting can help you gain more influence and respect in various relationships in your lives because you behave in a manner that doesn't seem like you are merely lashing out or retaliating against someone because you are trying to cope with unpleasant, intense emotions of your own. When you calmly respond, you appear less aggressive and it is a lot easier for people to listen deeply to what it is you have to say. It also makes your children much less likely to try to resist negative consequences being enforced by you.

 

Stability

If you do decide to use E.A.R.S. to change the dynamic in your relationship with your child, please remember to be patient with yourself and your child. Depending upon their age, you may have helped initiate a relationship that is filled with tension, violence, and passive-aggressive behavior over the course of many years, or even decades. Knowing that it took so long to create this dynamic, it's unrealistic to expect these new behaviors to begin having a positive impact over night (though it can sometimes seem like they do, for a lucky few!).

The key to E.A.R.S. is belief. You have to believe that you really deserve to have a relationship with your child that doesn't involve you behaving in violent, passive-aggressive, or oppressive ways towards them. You have to believe that you have the willpower and the patience to behave the way that you want them to, so that you can show them how to be a responsible, well-rounded, loving, and mature adult. You have to believe that they, as your offspring, are capable of meeting your expectations (granted they're realistic, based on age and mental capacity). Give it at least six months of consistently using these concepts before throwing in the towel. Understand that there will probably be frustration and rebellion in the beginning due to there being this massive shift in the relationship. However, once you get "over the hump", so to speak, things often run much more smoothly from that point forward.

I eagerly await your feedback regarding using E.A.R.S. to handle disobedient children.

Thanks for reading!

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Critical Parenting Skill #3: Responding

The 'R' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Responses'. As parents, we often get caught up in our momentary frustration with whatever our child has done that has angered, saddened, hurt, or disappointed us and we simply emotionally react, instead of thoughtfully responding. When we behave in a reactionary way, we tend to become dictators who command our children be grounded, spanked, embarrassed, or hurt just to make us feel better. However, this kind of reaction often doesn't help the child learn a solid lesson about the behavior. They simply learn not to do it around their parents, or while they're living with their parents, because there will be a disproportionate backlash or shocking punishment.

This is often why some of us are shocked to find out that our child, who is so well behaved in our presence, got into a fight at school, started using tobacco or alcohol, or become / got someone pregnant.

 

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Responding to behavior in an effective way comes in two parts: Expressing our own feelings and enforcing the consequences we've discussed in the 'E' (be explicit) part of E.A.R.S.

Let Your Child Know How You Feel


Responding to your child's behavior starts with recognizing the feelings that you have about it, and going on to relay those feelings to your child. Let them know that you're proud, excited, or happy about something they've accomplished. Tell them when you feel anxious, disappointed, or baffled by something that they do.

Here are some quick examples:

When your daughter gets expelled for smoking in the bathroom at school:

"I feel so disappointed and angry that you were smoking." as opposed to "What the hell is wrong with you?!"



When your son hits a game-winning shot during a basketball match-up with his high school's arch rival:

"I feel so proud and excited about you making that shot!" as opposed to silence or just "Good game, son."



When your son fails a class:

 "I feel so shocked and confused about you failing your English class." as opposed to "You can't be that dumb."



When your daughter gets a mathematics scholarship to a prestigious university:

"I'm overwhelmed with joy and pride about this scholarship you earned!" as opposed to silence or "Nice."

Enforce the Consequences Previously Discussed

This is difficult for a lot of us. We may not have a hard time with coming up with appropriate consequences for our child's behavior, but we have a hard time enforcing those consequences when the time comes.

Let's say your child wants to spend the day at an amusement park in the next state with some of her friends in 2 weeks. She says she'll be on her best behavior and she'll even pay for the trip herself. She'll give her friends' parents gas money, pay for her own ticket, and save up her own money to buy snacks and souvenirs. She calculates that she'll need about $120. Having no idea where she would possibly get that much money over the next  2 weeks (especially since you only give her $10 a week for allowance), you and your daughter agree that, if she saves up the money, she can go.

On the day in question, you're surprised to find your daughter up before you, eating breakfast.

"Well, you sure are up early on a Saturday." You comment.

"Today's the day we leave for Awesome Land, remember?" She smiles and continues eating a bowl of cereal she's poured for herself.

"Wait a minute. I thought you needed $120 to go? Wasn't that what we agree to?"

"Right. I've got $150. I've washed cars, babysat, tutored after school, mowed lawns, and even sold candy at school." She pulls the money out of her purse and counts it out in front of you.

 

As a parent, we always have the option to go back on our word, just like any other human being. However, what makes it so important that we keep our commitments and behave responsibly is that our children are taking in our every move. If we were to tell her she can't go on the trip, even though she kept up her end of the bargain, we reinforce several potentially harmful ideas:

1. We, as parents, cannot be trusted. This idea is extremely problematic when it's time to talk to our children about potentially live-threatening issues having to do with health and safety, such as sex and drug use.

2. Because we don't keep our commitments, it must be appropriate for our children to do the same. In this case, we would be role-modeling the very behaviors that we want our child to avoid: being dishonest and irresponsible.

3. Regardless of whether or not our children do as is agreed, they will arbitrarily have their rewards impeded or taken away by the adults or authority figures in their lives.  By not allowing her to go on the trip, we teach her that it doesn't matter whether she does what we ask her to or not--we're still going to make decisions selfishly, based on what makes us feel better. What motivation is their for our children to listen to and obey us if the end result isn't going to be any better?

4. Hard work and determination are meaningless. Even when her situation seemed impossible, our child showcased initiative, motivation, and resourcefulness that many adults don't even have. Why would we punish her for this?

However, if we keep your word, we exemplify (become the archetypes for) the antithesis to these ideas. By letting her go, we implicitly show that we can be trusted, it's not okay to break promises, that people who keep commitments aren't punished, and that hard work does have a positive impact on one's life.

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Critical Parenting Skill #2: Role-Modeling

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The 'A' in E.A.R.S. stands for 'Archetype'. This just means that we tend to behave like we want our child to behave. WE become the archetype / example / model for how a mature person behaves. Remember that humans, like most other animals, are social creatures who learn by observing what their parental figures do. If we yell whenever we get angry, they're likely to do the same because they've picked up on the idea that this is what a healthy individual does to cope with anger and similar emotions. If we overeat, they are likely to overeat as well. If we get pregnant as a teenager, have multiple sex partners, or have romantic relationships with people who verbally or physically abuse us, our children are likely (though not guaranteed) to see these kinds of relationships (with food, drugs, people, etc.) as normal. Here are some area where parents frequently forget to manage their behaviors, meaning that their children and teenagers often to the same.

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Be Respectful

We say we want respect from our children, but we show them that it's perfectly fine to disrespect people. We belittle other authority figures in our children's lives (such as coaches, grandparents, teachers, police, etc.). We say a teacher doesn't know what they're doing, a coach is lazy, our parents are nosy or annoying, or that the police are corrupt. And we do all these sorts of things without necessarily having taken out the time to speak to these people about whatever issue we have with their behavior or performance, and we often don't know these people well enough to adequately assess whether or not the things we think or assume about them are really true. Are you showing your child how to be respectful on a daily basis? 



Be Kind

We say we want our children to be mindful of other people's feelings and not bully or belittle others, but we often aren't kind to others ourselves. We play pranks on awkward co-workers and laugh about it. We yell at and bully our own children when they don't behave how we want them to. We even ostracize and criticize people who are of different races, sexes, nationalities, sexual orientations, political affiliations, religions, and socioeconomic backgrounds. Ask yourself if you're really SHOWING your child how to be kind to others.  



Be Obedient

We say we want our children to do as they're told, but we resist orders from our supervisors and authority figures in our own lives. We ignore the fact that our bosses have asked us to stay at work for a full day, only take a lunch break for a certain amount of time, or perform our job in a certain manner. We fail to follow rules that are given to us, such as taking prescribed medication at all or as recommended. We might even break laws and ordinances just because we don't like them, such as smoking marijuana (if that's illegal in your area), breaking traffic lights, or parking in unauthorized areas. Think about how you may be showing your child that it's okay to be disobedient.



Don't Do Drugs

This is a BIG one! We may tell our children over and over not to smoke cigarettes or drink beer, but then we do these things ourselves---sometimes to excess. If you threaten your child with a punishment if they're ever caught smoking, yet you smoke on a daily basis, you're contradicting yourself and the child is more likely to try a cigarette. If you treat drinking alcohol as though it is something that only mature, adult people do, your child is likely to view alcohol as a way to catapult them into adulthood (which is what many adolescents and teens are pining for anyhow) instead of them actually viewing it in a neutral manner. Something that they can wait to try when they're 21 and use moderately instead of getting drunk or buzzed (as they may regularly hear about you doing, or even see you doing). What kind of drug use does your child see from you or your other family members?


The example from the last post covered this idea, as well as the concept of being explicit. Flynn realized that hitting Dora was just showing her that it's appropriate to hit people when they do things that you don't like. Here's another scenario specifically for the 'Archetype' portion of E.A.R.S.

The Mother and "The Mouth"

Orion and his mother, Lola, are sitting outside the principal's office at Orion's middle school. He's been saying some nasty things to his teachers and classmates and he's at risk of being expelled.

Orion thinks the whole thing is being blown out of proportion since everybody in his family talks like that--from his mother to his great uncle.

Lola is frustrated that she has to come to school for this. She is having a hard time understanding what the big deal is, yet she's still disappointed that her child is getting into this kind of trouble at school. She's afraid he'll have to try to transfer and that there will be a lot of work involved in attempting such a move in the middle of the school year.

The principal invites them into her office and closes the door.

PRINCIPAL: So, Mrs. Betman, as I discussed with you over the phone, your son has been saying some extremely disrespectful things to his instructors and other students. We don't tolerate that sort of behavior here. I'd like to discuss with the two of you some behavior management and parenting skills options that might help with this issue. *pulls a brochure from one of her desk drawers* This first place is called--

LOLA: Wait a minute! Are you saying I'm a bad parent?!

PRINCIPAL: Well...I'm not saying that, Mrs. Betman. I just...sometimes, as parents, we struggle to--

LOLA: *stands up* I don't struggle to do shit! That's the problem around here: You don't want to supervise your staff, and they don't want to supervise these kids. They're with you all fuckin' day. You would think you would learn how to manage kids, if this is your damn profession. I won't let you blame me for this.

PRINCIPAL: *holds up hands and scoots chair back* Mrs. Betman, I'm not blaming anyone, but I don't appreciate your language. Could you please sit down and--

LOLA: You can't tell me what to do! I'm grown! *gathers her purse and coat* Get the fuck up Orion. Let's go, I don't have to listen to the bullshit! FUCK this school!!

*she storms out with Orion in tow*


Lola and her family are argumentative and aggressive in the way that they interact with one another. They aren't necessarily violent, but they don't speak to one another in the most respectful or appropriate ways. Because humans are wired to mimic what they see and learn from what they experience in order to accumulate survival skills, Orion is merely copying what it takes to "survive" at home and applying it at school.

Think about how you want your children to act, what kinds of things do you ask of them, and try to exhibit those skills and believes in your everyday life so that they have something positive and healthy to copy.

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